Lost in the Darkness

Self,

I was told that nothing ever seems to "get to [me]," that I'm such an "rock," and just so strong emotionally. Frankly, I don't think it's true. It's not that I'm lying or keeping my feelings from people behind a mask or wall, (well maybe some.) Mostly it's just that it manifests differently with me and I just release or vent it differently.

I say that because I seem to have been ensnared by some of those negative feelings that we all try to keep at bey. The darkness is heavy and I've seem to have lost my way. I've seem to have lost my way in a few areas in my life. One of the areas that I've seem to have lost my way is this blog. This blog was started basically as a place to vent, to release what ever feelings that were in me. It seems that I only write a post here when ....well I'm feeling good. And maybe that's why there's these long breaks between post.

So why haven't I've used this blog as I had initially intended? I recently realized the answer to that question. The blog opened a door between my life and the rest of the world wider than I had anticipated. For the most part I am a private person...maybe shy...which is may go back to why people say nothing seems to bother me. I understand that the blog in a way was a shield for me, by that I mean a way to vent the things that I am feeling in a detached matter. However as I said, it also opened that door wider than I had planned by allowing the opportunity to interact with new people, some of which I now speak with on a regular if not daily basis. Some even have direct access via phone calls or text messages, so instead of leaving comments here on the page, they just call. I see now that's the problem....it means my shield is gone...and things that I write here, particularly negative stuff, that I write as a means from which to detach myself is force to be more intimate because they're quick to say "So, I read your blog today." Suddenly any relief that I had manage to gain from the purging entry, is taken away since they are now putting it back in my face and lap by wanting to discuss it.

The Crazy part of this is....that despite the need for the detachment, it doesn't mean that I don't want or appreciate feedback. Isn't that the purpose of the comment section on the blog. I know it probably seems asinine of me to prefer the written response rather the familiar voice of a supportive friend calling. I mean isn't one of the things to value most in our lives, is the bonds we share with the people and the intimacy those bonds create.

I don't know how I will deal with this issue. Should I just create a new label/tag to indicate rather or not it's something I want to discuss offline. O when one of these friends call to discuss something I wrote should I simply say, "Hey, let's talk about something else," or even just "I don't want to talk about it." I'll think on it some more and make a decision when I feel I have all the information I need. However this is atleast helping me to get back on the right path for the blog.

As for me stumbling in the darkness in other areas.....I think that's going to have to be a separate purging.

Sincerely,

Pharaoh