What a Start!

Self,

So I get up this morning, and  to my relief I'm awake early enough that I can take the Metro to work and save on gas.  I dress, drive to the station, buy my ticket, board the train at 5:10am, and I grab a seat that has a vertical handrail that can serve as a headrest.  Great, I settle in to my seat for the 12 station long ride north to downtown Los Angeles.

The next thing I become aware of is the recorded announcer saying the station name at which the train is arriving.  It's the name of a station only two stops away from where I started.....and I thought I had already passed it.  I my slight confusion I look out the windows.....I see that the train is on the wrong side of the station than what I was expecting.   I look at my phone for the time....6:17am.  I start to stand and sit back down a couple times, trying to process the info, but knowing there's a need for action. 

My analysis....the train is now traveling south....apparently I rode it all the way downtown and back, while sleep. 

The conclusion, all I could do was ride the train the two additional stops to where my car was parked and drive to work.

I should've stayed in bed for that hour.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

What is a Horny Toad Suppose to do?

Self,

So I've been chatting with different guys on websites.....just chatting.

I come across this one guy who lives like FIVE minutes away.  He's 27 and supposedly never been with a man.....sexually, romantically and dare I say even intimately.  He's of  the mind to change that....and he wants to change that with me?

Why?????   I don't know what to do.  I mean he is SOOO "green" I've practically taken to calling him Similac....which is what I'll use as his name here.

Most of our conversations were very generic.  So via text messaging he decides he wants to probe and wants to know if he can ask a personal question, I tell him my general rule...he can ask anything he is willing to answer himself.  Which opened a small flood gate.

Similac: "Do you like to kiss?...truefully idk. depends on the person"
Pharoah: "depends...everyone isn't a good kisser."
Similiac: "Do you give head or like to receive? Me truthfully I wanna give head and try lickin balls"
Pharoah: "Boy i give/receive head, lick/suck balls - like when it done to me, like when my a$$ is eaten - sometimes will eat a$$. I don't want to sound like an asshole, but you must not realize that you are talking to a man who has been comfortably gay for almost 20 years....lol n my day I would run circles around you....you ain't ready for me....and I don't think you can handle it."
Similac: "Lol...what you mean by run circles"
Pharoah: "Meaning...it would b an experience that would make our head spin...maybe even make u addicted."
Similac: "Damm I like the sound of that man and I'm ready for what ever. I can take whatever comes"
Pharoah: "You say that....but I don't think you are...I mean you've said that you've fantasized about just kissing and cuddling a guy..... when I was your age my fantasies consisted of 3sums and orgies.....you ain't ready [for me.]"
Similac: "I'm ready  trust me"
Pharaoh: "lol no u not...cuz afterwards you would b n love...and that should happen with someone @ your level."
Similac: "I doubt if you that good man lol....but I know what I want tho"
Pharoah: "what is it that you know you want and think you are ready for?"
Similac: "Im ready for some good ass dick I want sum good sex/ sum good love makin."
(To myself "If you equating "good sex" to "good love makin" then I really don't have to be THAT good, the act alone will make me so.")

 Hindsight being 20/20 I realize my attempt to let him know he was getting in over his head, actually only present him with a quest he want to prove of which he is worthy. 

So here's the problem...I'm not attracted to him.   He's a nice enough kid that I don't want his first time to be with a jerkwad-asshole that creates an experience that leaves him jaded and bitter.  At the same time....there is some appeal to being "the first" and exploring undiscovered country...in so much that hopefully his lack of expereince would mean he won't have any "hang-ups" and be willing to try any and 'erything and that could be fun.

A LITTLE HELP HERE, PLEASE?  Am I wrong for even considering to do this?

Sincerely,
Pharoah

PS I've also crossed paths with a cutie in Boston that seems he might also want me as a friendly cherry-popper, thankfully he doesn't seem as "green" as Similac.

Running Across my Mind.

Self,

OKAY.....recently I've started to miss him a little.


Sincerely,
Pharoah

I Need to Start a Pettition....

Self,

So I've been working graveyard shift again.  I don't know about other parts of the country but gas prices has rose to almost $5 a gallon here in Los Angeles....and Thunderbolt as a gas guzzling SUV has been hard on the wallet so while workign graveyard I've taken to riding public transportation....with the hopes of continuing to do so when I go back on day shift.

Now that the background has been put in place, I can tell tonight's story.

I raced to the "subway" (it's actually above ground) station to catch the 9pm train to Downtown LA.  I swipe my TAP card and walk up the platform's ramp.  There's not many people on the platform, but there's four people near where I like to wait for the train.  There's a guy with his bike standing  off to himself with earbuds. Not more than four steps passed him there's three youngsters sitting on the bench, two guys and  one girl but the girl is actually sitting in one guy's lap.....which made it look like it was only two people sitting on the bench until you got close enough. No big deal, I've seen similar scenes before.

I stop about five feet away from the trio to wait for the train as I adjust my jacket.

"Hey, are you a registered voter?" asks the guy with the lap that's empty except for a clipboard.

I hesitate to respond...not really wanting to be bother. "Yeah, I am."

"Would you like to sign this pettition?" The kid holds up the clipboard towards me from where he is sitting.

I instantly regret having identified myself as a registered voter, but I move on.  "Well, what is it for?"

"It's for [mumble, mumble - blah blah blah,]" he says still holding the clipboard out to me.

Okay so sometimes I am hard of hearing So I don't know if he was really inarticulate with what he was saying or if I just was having a deaf moment, so I don't really know the point of the pettition.  I figure I'd save us both a headache, "Naw, man I'm not interested."

The kid flips a page on his clipboard then says, "Well, what about this one that decrease taxes for eduaction?"

Damn.  I was I should've known there was another one.  Lower taxes and promoting education....I ought to help.  After a couple seconds of indecisiveness I ask, "what you say that one is about again?"

I guess we both were having issues with this exchance because the kid looks down at the paper with a slightly confused expression on his face.  A split second later the confusion is gone and replaced with annoyance ashe stands up and walks over to me. "It's to reduce taxes for education."

As he hands me the clipboard I am also hit with the pungent odor of weed.  I'm not a fan of the stuff but to each his own.  I look up and there's a train starting to pull into the station.  I guess the kid sees something in my face as I notice the train to cause him some concern of not getting my signature.  "Yo, your train is coming."  Maybe he thought that pointing out the train would push me to sign withtout reading the pettition, so I wouldn't miss it.

I see the distance train is and estimate how much time I had before it would leave again.  I figured I could skim the summary and scribble my name even if that meant doing so while hanging out the train doors for a second or two to finish.  So I look down at the pettition and see a block of text.  I look for the beginning of the paragraph to read as much as I could in the time I had left.  The first line read:

Increases personal taxes......

I was disappointed and didn't want to read anymore, "Ah man it says it Increases taxes....I'm good, but thanks." I hand him back the pettition.  The kid looks at me like he's upset that I could read and saw the error of what he had told me.  I look away and look to see how much longer before the train stops, only to see that the sign on the train says it is out of service.  The train continues without stopping.  The kid walks away and sits back on the bench with his friends.

I take a few steps to the other side of the platform. As I'm sending Schehimazade a text about a kid wanting my signature for a pettition but was too high to explain what the pettition is for, the kid gets up while his friends get on the train going in the opposite direction....the last text I send Schehimazade;

...he has a nice ass too...lol he might have got the signature if he wasn't sitting on it when he first asked me.

Yeah I know, I'm a journey like no other.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

As I'm exchanging texts with Schehimazade, a train going in the opposite direction arrives and the

Ehh, ahhh, ick

Self,

I don't know where to start..............

So the last few days I have been feeling  rather "blah."  Honestly, I think it more accurate to say that I have been feeling that my life has no meaning.

NO - I AM NOT SUICIDAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As drab/mediocre/pathetic and any other adjectives that could be inserted there that I may think my life is right now...I still prefer living than being dead, so again  I AM NOT SUICIDAL!

However I don't know what I need to or can do to feel as if my life has more meaning.

And as I been grappling and stewing with these feelings, I saw something on Yahoo today that didn't help me to feel any better.

There's an article about the newest elected mayor of Ithaca, New York.   He's kinda handsome, I think he might be gay, but it didn't say. He was featured because - He's only 24!  He's the youngest mayor that town has ever had.  I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't one of the youngest mayors anywhere currently.  He's a graduate of Cornell (I think.)  He had a tough childhood due to drug addict father, bi-racial background, periods of homelessness.   I mean talk about being someone to make an impact.  Hearing about this guy makes me feel like I'm just taking up space.

Again, I'm not suicidal
............................................................................................................but damn!

Sincerely,
Pharoah