I Don't know!

Self,

I found this on somebody's Facebook page....you gotta see it - then we can talk about it!

...Well...Thoughts???? Oh ok lets address the obvious...they seem blessed...especially the one in the grey shorts.

On FB alot of the comments were about how "gay" it is to people. A couple guys even said that it was too gay for them to even watch all of the clip....lol ironically some woman pulled their card by pointing out that it's a little suspect that these guys even STARTED to watch a clip titled: "DICK SLANG." I wouldn't be surprised if some of you even think/say it looks gay to you too....I won't lie, for a minute so did I.

However reading the comments and seeing all the negativity that was being associated with it, begs the question - WHY?  What is actually gay about the the clip?

I mean if they were doing this "dance" in such a way that they doing the 'Dick Slang' in each other's face or were holding one another's dicks while it slang....yeah I would give you a pass on it being gay. Is it gay simply because these guys are in a room by themselves...would it be 'straight' if there were just as many females or more in the room watching....isn't that what Chippendale's and those places are about....'dick dancing.'  And if it is gay just because they are in the room with no females, does that mean all Chippendale dancers only perform with female audiences so they don't get accused of being gay because they are practicing alone....trying to perfect their 'artistry?'

Is it gay because these guys are seemingly average (if not actually masculine or even'thuggish') and they are acknowledging (maybe even praising) masculinity and sexuality among each other. Has it become a crime for men to do that for each other? I mean it's not like they were saying "damn you got a big dick JaKwuan, let me suck it," so they arent being vulgar and offensive in the acknowledgement.

Is the negativity that the comments exuded (like "SMH," and "what's the world coming to,") because they are doing this dance and have a degree of machismo masculinity. If the guys in this picture were the ones doing the "Dick Slang" dance would the comments been more like "Them boys are getting it." "Twerk it!" "FIERCE" etc, etc, etc???

(umm yeah that definitely looks GAY!)

Just something to ponder.

 Sincerely, Pharoah

History Repeats Itself

Self,

Something is at work here....good or bad I can't say....it feels bad though.

I just happen to be reviewing some past entries here and I came across "It's Just Me...Nobody Else" dated 8-17-12.

And dammit if I'm not in the exact same predicament...and it hasn't even been a fuckin' year!  And things are actually a bit worse.

I did manage to recover from having to spend $1200 to get Thunderbolt fixed,  I've even managed to to pay off all of my credit cards (except about $500 that I planned to clear up by the end of May, but now will have to extend a bit longer.)  I mentioned that I made plans to go see BabyBro...it wasn't cheap but I felt it was neccesary and I'm so glad I did, it was GREAT to see him and give him a big ole hug!
And if things could have been left there, I would consider myself blessed and highly favored for the moment.

However just a week after returning from visiting BabyBro, I had to hand over some money again on Thunderbolt's behalf....this time to a tune three times higher than what I spent in August.  So reading the post from August makes me want to cry because it just literally verifies that I've just been knocked 3 steps back.

Yes, I know that I need to be positive and thankful that I have the means to resolve/absorbs those cost....and although I'm grumbling about it, I am thankful.  But damn it's hard to be thankful for minor blessing in the face of big disasters.....and that only makes me frightened to know that things could still be even worse.  I mean I know that life is about taking the good with the bad and vice versa and therefore things can't ever be perfect...but it would be great to be able to float in the good for a bit before being drowned in the bad.


Sincerely,
Pharoah

PS The positive thing I'm going to take from this is that for the most part I shouldn't keep myself from doing the things that bring me a bit of joy. There's no point being miserable while trying to get ahead.

Madness...Yours or Mine?

Self,

Not too long ago I was contacted by someone who decided a while back that I wasn't worthy of being his friend.    This wasn't the first time this has happened.  In fact over the years since he and I first met I want to say it has happened about 4 or 5 times. 

Now granted  it's not that simple, we were sexually involved off and on durring some of that time and he admitted to being in love with me...despite it not being exactly reciprocated. (Meaning - yes I loved him and our friendship...but I was not in love with him.)  He as some other emotional/mental issues...which places him in a space of instability.

The last time he reached out to rekindle our friendship I told him that it was the last time.  If I mean anything to him as a friend then there's no reason to dismiss me as such and if there was a reason to do so then it it will probably be severe enough to make it a decision that's irrevocable....cause the friendship either has to matter enough to figure out and work through whatever is the issue or its doesn't matter at all and there's no need to bother again.

So when he sent a long series of text messages to end the friendship...I was like "cool...I'm done."  And for the most part I have not thought of him until he recently sent me a text saying "What's up, [Pharoah]?"

Well I was a tad annoyed by the intrusion in my life after several months, but it also felt good to know that in that moment whatever reasons he thought he had from ending the friendship were bullsh*t (which I already knew) because here he was reaching out and I knew he would be the first to do so.

I was in the mind to ignore his text and not respond...and Schehimazade said I should ignore it.  However, I did respond and in my annoyed state of mind my text was; "Is someone ill, dying or deceased?"  I know...that was mean.  My thought was that he would probably say say "no" and THEN I would just not respond any further.

Of course it didn't go that way, his response was "yeah me." 

I didn't want to be heartless if he was serious and not respond, but I also know he has a flare for the dramatics. So I sent, "so you are texting from the grave?"

There were a couple more exchanges, he didn't say what he meant by that and just said good night a let it go.

That was almost two months ago now.  I know I can't allow myself to be involved with the insanity of his life.  I am sightly concerned, but for me to expose myself any more would be insane on my part, right?

Sincerely,
Pharoah

It's Just ME...nobody else.

Self,

Well it would appear that since nobody is commenting that it's probably a sign meaning that nobody is reading this blog anymore, which may just be how the cookie crumbles, I guess. 

At the same time, "irredardless" of that...I just want to vent at the moment.

Why is is always so damn hard.  I'm starting to think that it is pure lunacy for us people to have a little faith that things will work out for the best.

I've moved back home, giving up on some of the things I like to do with the idea of making some sacrafices to be responsible. 
Now after two years....JUST as I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel per se......Thunderbolt is ill and had to take him the the mechanic......and to get him feeling better I have to come up with $1200!

To spend that kind of money...will suddenly make the credit card hole I've been working to fill for the past two years a hella lot deeper meaning that it will take me longer to pay that mess off.  OR I will have to tap into the meager savings I've been stashing away as a downpayment on a house...making it longer that I'll have to stay at my parents to afford to make that purchase in order to recoop that loss.  Either way  I will have to stay at my parents a bit longer.

It almost makes me feel that all the things I like to do that I didn't do were sacraficed for nothing.  My biggest sacrafices have been not taking any trips...for fun (I did take a few for business that I managed to squeeze out some fun on, but that wasn't the purpose of the trips.)  I would love to get out of LA and hit up NYC,  I could have went to Miami earlier this year but I said it wasn't the fiscally responsible thing to do, so I didn't.  I been wanting a 64G iTouch for 2-3 years now but that $300 I decided to put towards my debt...and well continue to do so since I haven't bought it.

Maybe I should just say to hell with it and do something for myself....that voucher is sounding good...although I was going to let it go so I would spend the money on airfare to go someplace to use it.

I don't know, it almost make more sense to think that everything is always going to be fucked up...and that "good things" that come my way are really just things being not as fucked up.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Is It Me?

Self,

I know some employers develop things to boost moral and encourage their employees as a sign of appreciation. Mine isn't any different.  Not too long ago my department came up with the "Employee Excellence Award."  It would be like an "Employee of the Month" award but it takes so long for them to complete the selection process that the month would be over tthreefold by the time the nominees were named.  So the award is given out on a semi-annual basis and the canidate is nominated to the committee by his or her peers.  I don't think the winner really gets anything besides a certificate....maybe a designated parking space, but don't quote me on that. 

Obviously a person can't nominate him/herself.

Here's the thing, the other day one of my two supervisors (not the one that is actually on the EEA selection committee,)  came to me said he had an idea.  After stepping outside to speak "privately" he then proceeded to suggest that I nominate one of my team members because I write well and therefore can complete the task successfully.

OK I agree about the I write well part.  I like the guy he suggested and I don't really have a problem with the idea if he actually was to win the award.  My...frustration is having been skipped over as a possible canidate to being perfect to be the one to moninate someone else?  Will making the nomination make me a canidate for the next time?

To top it off win or loose when it comes out that the guy has been nominated, I'm sure the supervisor who suggested this is probably going to very specific about letting it be known that I'm the one who "filled out" the nomination form....but conviently leaving out the fact that it was done so by his request. So win or lose it will make it seem like I am just the guy's BIGGEST fan/supportor.  Don't get me wrong I like the guy...he's fun to work with and a good guy.

Yes I know it's just a bruised ego thing ...but still - bruises hurt.

No worries I'm gettin gover it as I fill out the nomination form.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

I'm Starting to Think I Should REALLY Just Choose Flies!

Self,

So I've been chatting with this dude online...for a week or so. We finally discuss trying to meet up last night...but I got held up doing my taxes and by 10pm it had gotten too late for him and he wanted to postpone until today.  OK...not a big deal.

So we texted earlier today trying to figure out when and where we would meet.  Last night we were going to meet at this little coffee house in LBC because it gave us a chance to talk.  So I suggested we meet there since we had already planned to do so anyway. Last night he had suggested the beach, but I vetoed it because it was cold and rainy...however I suggested it for today since it was day time and sunny.

He says he isn't feeling either of those today, but suggested a movie...specifically "Cabin in the Woods."
I told him I'm not really a horror/scary movie guy, but if there was something he wanted to see I'm down.  He suggested "Lockout" and we figure out a time and location..and I have like an hour and half to get ready.

So as I'm about to jump in shower, he sends a text; "r u buying my ticket"

In my head I'm like oh hell no!  However, I respond; "lol if I wasn't going who would buy your ticket?"

"I wouldn't go if you weren't going lol"  "Plus u made me change what movie I wanted to see originally lol"

WTF! "Lol then u shouldn't suggest I meet you @ a movie if you weren't planning to anyway!"  "the beach is free"

So I jump in the shower and stuff (yeah I really needed to do it anyway.)

So after I shower and get dress, I go out to the car.  I start the car and was going to send this guy a text letting him know I'm running a little late but on my way....and will still make it before the movie starts.

That's when I see he sent two texts (apparently while I was in the shower;)
"okay forget"  "the movie is cancel"

REALLY....  He was only going cuz he thought he could get over on me....I'm not the one!

I read him for it...told him it was fine and I would go by myself (one monkey don't stop this show) and told him if he suppose to be a grown man, he should be able to buy is own movie ticket.

I'm so over the local animals.

Sincerely
Pharoah

What is a Horny Toad Suppose to do?

Self,

So I've been chatting with different guys on websites.....just chatting.

I come across this one guy who lives like FIVE minutes away.  He's 27 and supposedly never been with a man.....sexually, romantically and dare I say even intimately.  He's of  the mind to change that....and he wants to change that with me?

Why?????   I don't know what to do.  I mean he is SOOO "green" I've practically taken to calling him Similac....which is what I'll use as his name here.

Most of our conversations were very generic.  So via text messaging he decides he wants to probe and wants to know if he can ask a personal question, I tell him my general rule...he can ask anything he is willing to answer himself.  Which opened a small flood gate.

Similac: "Do you like to kiss?...truefully idk. depends on the person"
Pharoah: "depends...everyone isn't a good kisser."
Similiac: "Do you give head or like to receive? Me truthfully I wanna give head and try lickin balls"
Pharoah: "Boy i give/receive head, lick/suck balls - like when it done to me, like when my a$$ is eaten - sometimes will eat a$$. I don't want to sound like an asshole, but you must not realize that you are talking to a man who has been comfortably gay for almost 20 years....lol n my day I would run circles around you....you ain't ready for me....and I don't think you can handle it."
Similac: "Lol...what you mean by run circles"
Pharoah: "Meaning...it would b an experience that would make our head spin...maybe even make u addicted."
Similac: "Damm I like the sound of that man and I'm ready for what ever. I can take whatever comes"
Pharoah: "You say that....but I don't think you are...I mean you've said that you've fantasized about just kissing and cuddling a guy..... when I was your age my fantasies consisted of 3sums and orgies.....you ain't ready [for me.]"
Similac: "I'm ready  trust me"
Pharaoh: "lol no u not...cuz afterwards you would b n love...and that should happen with someone @ your level."
Similac: "I doubt if you that good man lol....but I know what I want tho"
Pharoah: "what is it that you know you want and think you are ready for?"
Similac: "Im ready for some good ass dick I want sum good sex/ sum good love makin."
(To myself "If you equating "good sex" to "good love makin" then I really don't have to be THAT good, the act alone will make me so.")

 Hindsight being 20/20 I realize my attempt to let him know he was getting in over his head, actually only present him with a quest he want to prove of which he is worthy. 

So here's the problem...I'm not attracted to him.   He's a nice enough kid that I don't want his first time to be with a jerkwad-asshole that creates an experience that leaves him jaded and bitter.  At the same time....there is some appeal to being "the first" and exploring undiscovered country...in so much that hopefully his lack of expereince would mean he won't have any "hang-ups" and be willing to try any and 'erything and that could be fun.

A LITTLE HELP HERE, PLEASE?  Am I wrong for even considering to do this?

Sincerely,
Pharoah

PS I've also crossed paths with a cutie in Boston that seems he might also want me as a friendly cherry-popper, thankfully he doesn't seem as "green" as Similac.

I Need to Start a Pettition....

Self,

So I've been working graveyard shift again.  I don't know about other parts of the country but gas prices has rose to almost $5 a gallon here in Los Angeles....and Thunderbolt as a gas guzzling SUV has been hard on the wallet so while workign graveyard I've taken to riding public transportation....with the hopes of continuing to do so when I go back on day shift.

Now that the background has been put in place, I can tell tonight's story.

I raced to the "subway" (it's actually above ground) station to catch the 9pm train to Downtown LA.  I swipe my TAP card and walk up the platform's ramp.  There's not many people on the platform, but there's four people near where I like to wait for the train.  There's a guy with his bike standing  off to himself with earbuds. Not more than four steps passed him there's three youngsters sitting on the bench, two guys and  one girl but the girl is actually sitting in one guy's lap.....which made it look like it was only two people sitting on the bench until you got close enough. No big deal, I've seen similar scenes before.

I stop about five feet away from the trio to wait for the train as I adjust my jacket.

"Hey, are you a registered voter?" asks the guy with the lap that's empty except for a clipboard.

I hesitate to respond...not really wanting to be bother. "Yeah, I am."

"Would you like to sign this pettition?" The kid holds up the clipboard towards me from where he is sitting.

I instantly regret having identified myself as a registered voter, but I move on.  "Well, what is it for?"

"It's for [mumble, mumble - blah blah blah,]" he says still holding the clipboard out to me.

Okay so sometimes I am hard of hearing So I don't know if he was really inarticulate with what he was saying or if I just was having a deaf moment, so I don't really know the point of the pettition.  I figure I'd save us both a headache, "Naw, man I'm not interested."

The kid flips a page on his clipboard then says, "Well, what about this one that decrease taxes for eduaction?"

Damn.  I was I should've known there was another one.  Lower taxes and promoting education....I ought to help.  After a couple seconds of indecisiveness I ask, "what you say that one is about again?"

I guess we both were having issues with this exchance because the kid looks down at the paper with a slightly confused expression on his face.  A split second later the confusion is gone and replaced with annoyance ashe stands up and walks over to me. "It's to reduce taxes for education."

As he hands me the clipboard I am also hit with the pungent odor of weed.  I'm not a fan of the stuff but to each his own.  I look up and there's a train starting to pull into the station.  I guess the kid sees something in my face as I notice the train to cause him some concern of not getting my signature.  "Yo, your train is coming."  Maybe he thought that pointing out the train would push me to sign withtout reading the pettition, so I wouldn't miss it.

I see the distance train is and estimate how much time I had before it would leave again.  I figured I could skim the summary and scribble my name even if that meant doing so while hanging out the train doors for a second or two to finish.  So I look down at the pettition and see a block of text.  I look for the beginning of the paragraph to read as much as I could in the time I had left.  The first line read:

Increases personal taxes......

I was disappointed and didn't want to read anymore, "Ah man it says it Increases taxes....I'm good, but thanks." I hand him back the pettition.  The kid looks at me like he's upset that I could read and saw the error of what he had told me.  I look away and look to see how much longer before the train stops, only to see that the sign on the train says it is out of service.  The train continues without stopping.  The kid walks away and sits back on the bench with his friends.

I take a few steps to the other side of the platform. As I'm sending Schehimazade a text about a kid wanting my signature for a pettition but was too high to explain what the pettition is for, the kid gets up while his friends get on the train going in the opposite direction....the last text I send Schehimazade;

...he has a nice ass too...lol he might have got the signature if he wasn't sitting on it when he first asked me.

Yeah I know, I'm a journey like no other.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

As I'm exchanging texts with Schehimazade, a train going in the opposite direction arrives and the

Ehh, ahhh, ick

Self,

I don't know where to start..............

So the last few days I have been feeling  rather "blah."  Honestly, I think it more accurate to say that I have been feeling that my life has no meaning.

NO - I AM NOT SUICIDAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As drab/mediocre/pathetic and any other adjectives that could be inserted there that I may think my life is right now...I still prefer living than being dead, so again  I AM NOT SUICIDAL!

However I don't know what I need to or can do to feel as if my life has more meaning.

And as I been grappling and stewing with these feelings, I saw something on Yahoo today that didn't help me to feel any better.

There's an article about the newest elected mayor of Ithaca, New York.   He's kinda handsome, I think he might be gay, but it didn't say. He was featured because - He's only 24!  He's the youngest mayor that town has ever had.  I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't one of the youngest mayors anywhere currently.  He's a graduate of Cornell (I think.)  He had a tough childhood due to drug addict father, bi-racial background, periods of homelessness.   I mean talk about being someone to make an impact.  Hearing about this guy makes me feel like I'm just taking up space.

Again, I'm not suicidal
............................................................................................................but damn!

Sincerely,
Pharoah

DAMN - Oh No You Didn't!

Self,

This man is unbelieveable!

So for weeks, since atleast just before Thanksgiving, THEBoyfriend said that he was going to Chruch Christmas morning.  OK it sounded important to him so I did not have a problem with it.  SO the plan is that we would spend Christmas Eve together and while he went of to church and to spend Christmas day with his bestfriend who will be in LA from ATL, I would go home to exchange gifts and spend the day with my family.

So yesterday morning, I get a text while at work that reads;

"I decided to forgo Christmas morning service so we could [spend] more time together Christmas morning.....That is if you would like to spend Christmas morning with me?"

REALLY - You got to be f*cking kidding me!

I was speechless.  All I sent back was "Wow."   So now he's making me have to choose between being the evil son/brother who won't be around Christmas morning or being the mean boyfiend who "doesn't want to spend more time with his man on Christmas morning, because he has other plans."  Great....and I'm suppose to be excited or something about all this.  He obviously didn't understand or care about the position into which he just squeezed me. 

He sent back: "WOW..!!? Thats all u have to say...?" 

Now I'm also mad that I have to explain to him what he's done, I text back;

"Yeah cuz u put me in an unfair position. For weeks u said u were going to church & I based my plans on that.  Now u made a decision changing that....so now u having me looking like an asshole to my family if I stay with u.....or I look like an asshole to u if I don't stay....so yeah all I can say is WOW. So is this a test what would you have me say?"

He said go be with my family but I wasn't falling for that bluff and called him on it by pointing out that doing so basically then made me a horrible boyfriend. Me being me I also told him that I would see what I can do to accommodate the change and we will discuss it later because I didn't think this conversation should have been had via text.

There's a part of me that is pissed enough that I want to continue my plans as schedule....or make it worse by getting up at dawn Christmas morning to go home.  It turns out that my parents are planning to go to church and won't be done til the early afternoon so things should work out.

That said, I will still have to be the ASSHOLE boyfriend on Christmas Eve when I see him.  THEBoyfriend is not just very demanding as he has said, he is utterly selfish.  The audacity to make a decision that effects me and then manipulate the situation so that I become the villian if he doesn't get what he wants is....asinine....and a thousand other words that I can't express at the moment.  Maybe I'm having a Bitch moment but I don't think so.  THEBoyfriend needs to be told about himself and his bullsh*t because this type of behavior is totally unacceptable.  His actions (even with the good intentions of wanting to spend more time together) were a total disrespect of me as an individual as if I don't matter and if it continues..... frankly, I will walk.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

What It Is!

Self,

I fell it's time to pen a post here but I can't really get the thoughts together.  The only thing recent that is note worthy are that I was in a wedding for whom I am friends with both the bride and groom.  It was a very beautiful event.....the bride was gorgeous...(and yes incase the groom is reading...you were quite handsome so don't feel left out!)  Actually the entire wedding party looked fantastic (myself included of course!)  I have never been one of the groomsmen in a wedding before this so it was .....quite the experience.  It was actually the first time I've worn a tuxedo....instead of a cummerbund we had custom made ties that match the the bridesmaid with whom we each were paired, with the groom matching the bride in white.

Obviously the other thing of note was the Thanksgiving holiday, which I spent in Arizona while THEBoyfriend went to Atlanta to be with his best friend and her girlfriend.  While in Arizona I guess the universe decided that I didn't seem as thankful as I should've been since it was near the end of the holiday weekend that my back went out on me.  (And before anyone gets some wild ideas and tries to make any crazy comments, it happened while I was putting on socks after a shower.....and as best as I can tell it is a re-aggravation of a work injury I had back in February.......Nasty Fuckas!)


And most recently, PrinceEsquire found an organization that is looking for male mentors for at-risk high school students.  I would love to do it but I think it just happen at the wrong time.....but I will sleep on it and maybe get up and go to the orientation in the morning anyway.


Lastly as my bed is SCREAMING for me at this insane hour of the morning.  Last night over dinner, THEBoyfriend and I were talking about plans for the holidays, and in short he wants to go to Las Vegas...with his best friend and her girlfriend, to bring in the new year.  That's the last place I want to spend New Year's.  He wants to go so he can dance in the club(s).....(since he doesn't go to clubs often) where in the past he said he has danced til nearly daybreak.  I would be bored with the club by 1AM, and that's assuming that I got there at like 10:30-11pm.  He doesn't drink so he isn't going to be excited by the idea of walking The Strip with a cocktail in hand which is why most people go to vegas for New Year's Eve......while I will have one or two myself with the rest of the crowd.  Truth is I am much more of a laid back kind of fella and would be more apt to going to a friend's or having a few friends over to the house in order to eat, drink, laugh and other elements of merriment to bring in the new year.  And the first thing he said he DID NOT want to do was be stuck in the house.  Through further conversation he basically said that "sitting around the house drinking and talking" isn't his idea of fun....if not down right boring.  And HE wants to have fun.  SO what am I to do??????  Do I waste more money I should not be spending to help pay for gas to drive there, a hotel room for a couple nights and all the rest that goes with going out of town.....just to appease him?  I told him that I made a promise to myself to cut out "fun" trips as a means of making buying a house a priority.....he seemed unfazed and unmoved my that.  I don't know if he just didn't know what to say to that or if he just didn't care because it isn't really his concern.  Yes I know a couple people in Las Vegas...who if they are in town could be a lifeline for me.  Or I could invite other folks to meet up in Vegas. The other option would be to go someplace other than Vegas.....I am open to suggestions....(secretly I am missing NYC, but as I said I have suspended pleasure trips otherwise I would already have a flight booked on Virgin America to JFK.)  However if part of my issue with Vegas is spending money (which honestly it is)....any other trip will probably be more expensive....particularly with less than 21 day advance notice.

Not to mention that if I use money as a reason for not going...I'll either seem like a cheap ass or a selfish bastard.  Either of which I'm sure can be construed as the makings of a bad boyfriend, right?

HELP!

Sincerely,
Pharoah

With My Own Eyes.........

Self,

Speaking of the things I've seen on the train.  Right after writing my last post, I had to ride the train home.  On one leg of my journey I had saw the fashionably distinct Gucci logo pattern.....you know

                            GC       GC         GC
                          /       \    /      \      /       \
                      GC       GC        GC       GC
                          \      /     \       /      \       /
                           GC         GC         GC

That was TATTOOED on some guy's FACE!


I was DONE!

Sincerely,
Pharoah

I Just Heard....

Self,

Well this morning on my way to work, I heard a news snippet that the R&B star, Sly Stone of the group Sly & the Family Stone, is currently destitute here in the Los Angeles area.  It's reported that he is living in a camper in the Crenshaw district, where a retired couple makes sure he eats atleast once a day and allow him the use of their shower.

My reason for posting initially was that I saw this as a tradgic example of people (ok and specificaly Black people) coming into a whole lot of money and not knowing how to properly handle it, which eventually leads to it being squander.  Helping to educate people on how to make better choices is why I am working in the financial industry.  It's my belief that we would do better, if we know better.

When I got to a computer I did a google search, really looking for a picture to use in my posting, but I found an article that I read in stead to get more info.  The article partially confirmed my suspicion, in so much as it was reported that Stone bought numerous, "toys" like cars and motorcyles.  Stone also states that his situation stems from drug addiction, and a problem with what sounds like corrupt management.

The article also annoyed me due to the fact that it's opening paragraph states that Stone isliving in "a rough Los Angeles neighborhood," and the second paragraph states that "parks his motor home in the Crenshaw section of L.A., the brutal neighborhood where the movie "Boyz n the Hood" was filmed."  Now I don't know if the movie reference is true or not, but either way it certainly paints the area with the images from the MOVIE and not neccesarily the full reality.  For all we know, he might be parking his camper in the pocket where there are homes worth upwards of a million dollars?   It certainly does not paint that community fairly as the Over-worked and Under paid citizens that live there.  I ain't saying that the place is paradise....but I don't think they should envoke the idea of hell on earth either.


Sincerely,
Pharoah

Something Else I've Been Feeling.....

Self,

Since I already wrote a post this week about what pisses me off....I might as well stick to the theme and write about something that is perplexing me at the moment.

Well truth be told this is something that has been on my mind and I just didn't know how to address it with the person it involves.  I'm not going to name the person here because I still want to discuss it directly with that person.  However, I must admit that I'm not sure if I'm just crazy and making a mountain out of a mole hill, or is there really an issue that needs to be worked out.

So here I go;

Ordinarily I would say that my friends are very supportive of me and I am equally supportive of them.  Rather that means just being encouraging with a high five and a "You go, Boy/Girl"....and yes maybe even a "YOU BETTA WORK!"  Of course being supportive of each other may also mean putting our money where our mouth is and gettin' up off our asses and helping them to "do the damn thing!"  Either way....as friends we're there for each other.   Sounds good so far, right?

So my dilemma is that a while back a particular friend asked for me to support an endeavor that fell in the category of "put my money where my mouth is" because a simple "You Betta Work," really wouldn't get this friend very far.  And I did, not a problem.

Not too long afterwards, I asked for this friend's help with something.  No, I wasn't just asking for help out of a "tick for tack" or "quid-pro-quo" mentality, because I actually saw an opportunity under the circumstances where my request could actually be a benefit to both of us.  Therefore, my friend would essentially get double help.  The response was basically: Let me think about it and get back to you.

Okay, I can understand needing time to process things in order to figure out the logistics of making the request a reality.  However, I still haven't heard anything.  Frankly, this isn't the first time I made the request and got the same "I'll think about it" type response.  However, I thought this time I was more concise and clear about how it would help me and that the request would be received even more favorably (beyond just the "I'm your friend, so help me" stuff,) considering I figured out a way so that it would be a benefit to us both.

So I've been feeling slighted for a while and I'm not sure how to bring it up to this friend.  Honestly, I feel more than just slighted - I feel hurt and frustrated. I don't know if the problem is that I'm crazy for having expected this friend to help in the first place.  I don't know if I'm feeling as if this friend has taken advantage of me.  I don't know if I'm feeling betrayed from all the times that I have stood in support of this friend and now I can't get any reciprocation.  I don't know if this friend simply lacks confidence or faith in me and my abilities and therefore doesn't want to lend a supporting hand.  Or is it that I've been a poor judge of character for the duration of this friendship and this friend is really the type that wants to keep me on what they feel is a lower status, therefore this friend won't be supportive because they think it would propel me to a point that surpasses this friend's reach.  

I mean I really just don't know.....?????????????????????

Sincerely,
Pharoah

This ANNOYS the Hell Out of Me.

Self,

Yes this is something that seems to almost boil my blood. 

It really works my last nerves when people accuse me of being out of touch, unavailable, indisposed unreachable or any other word like that, when their number has not appeared on my caller id once!

Maintaining the friendships with these people is not my responsibility alone.  Last I checked it takes two individuals to have a friendship.  I understand we have lives that are seperate from the other, and just because we haven't talked in a bit doesn't mean that I've suddenly abandoned the friendship.  Honestly, my feeling is who ever has the time to realize that they haven't heard from the other, also has the time to reach out and touch someone!  It's not that hard for you to call or text.  I mean, no, it may not be as easy as just sitting on your ass waiting to hear from me and complaining because you haven't...but it is easy.

Do you know what really drives me crazy?  I mean like... CRAZY!  What really seems to work my last nerves is the "since you got a man, nobody can get in touch with you."  As far as I know, KB isn't a CIA spy with cell phone jamming technology nor is he Harry Potter that has magical charms around his place to prevents your call from reaching my phone when you want to talk to me.  I mean to me it's so assinine to me that I want to cuss people out when that kind of BS comes out their mouth.  Oh why yes, (said in blonde southern belle accent) I know the difference between someone being serious or joking, so please don't make it worse and insult my intelligence by saying "I'm just joking" when I check you on the fact that you haven't called me and therefore don't really have the right to complain.

I don't get why people trip on someone developing a relationship.  The people that are complaining about me being out of reach without calling weren't calling me when I was sitting at home watching TV alone. And the ones that did call then......call now.  I have not become some hermit ...well not any more than I already was.  My real friends know my general rule.  When you need/want to call me....call.  If I'm able to answer, I do.  if I can't, then leave a message but most likely...all it takes is for me to see the "missed call" and I'll call you back.  However, when I answer, I'll find out what's going on and the reason for the call. (ie, they have a question, want to make plans to hang out, shoot the breeze, or want some advice about a situation in their life.)  At the same time I try to tell them what's going on with me at that moment, (ie I'm going into a meeting, I'm sitting in front of the tv, I'm out at dinner, I'm doing some shopping.)  And at that point we make a judgement call....can this conversation continue or does it need to be postponed.

I'm usually very flexible and accomadating, and take the call.  Even if cause problems for me.  Like yesterday, I was in the middle of moving furniture with my mom and I got a call. Someone wanted some advice on a situation envolving another person. So they tell me the circumstances and as I'm responding, my mom starts fussing at me for being on the phone when we are working and I'm holding other people up.  It's not the caller fault and I don't hold it against him, I told him what I thought about the situation, he thanked me and I told him I had to go. Not a problem.    
The Point. Yes, I am Pharoah, divine in all my splendor, and borrowing a line from Ms. Scott "I'm the magnificent"...but I AIN'T Miss Cleo! How am I suppose to know that as a friend you are missing me....UNLESS YOU CALL AND TELL ME!

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Seriously?

Self,

So why have I been contacted by yet another person from my past? This dude is FINE as hell...body, good looks, Phat ass....juciy....well you know. Whew!

However, I haven't heard from him since 2009. And like Nakki, I think he contacted me because he doesn't remember my profile (although it has not changed, much) on the site we were on initially, however he is using a new profile.

Honestly I don't know what to do with this...part of me just wants to brush him off like he did me back then, particularly since things with KB are going well. However, I be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to find out why he contacted me and if he remembers me.

Sincerely,

Pharoah

People.

Self,

OK so why is it that if you begin to show signs of being in a state...slightly above average, someone tries to say something to bring you down?

So just to set the stage; KB and I agreed on plans to hang out on Saturday.  I was going to leave my weekly Saturday training session to go to his place in Reseda.  We would hang out most of the day, maybe catch a movie then he was going to accompany me to a birthday party for one of my book club members that evening and I would stay the night at his place after the party.  Really simple right?

Well I overslept Saturday morning and didn't go to my weekly training session on Saturday morning.  Although I could have just planned to meet KB as scheduled, I talked to another friend, "Em" who wanted me to go to some school carnival to hear a friend of his sing. So we go and afterwards instead of just dropping him back off and going to KB's place, I hang out with Em for a while.  Eventually, Em asks about my plans for the rest of the evening.  I tell him about going to the party with KB since now that is all I would have time for since I gave up a chunk of the afternoon spending it with Em (although he didn't know that part because I don't try to make people feel guilty or that they inconvienced me because I decided to spend time with them.)  So I thought that telling Em about KB would be okay because I figured that as my friend he would at least be slightly as supportive as have some of the few other friends I've told about KB.

His response:

"It must be some good dick to go all the way to Reseda.  I mean, there's plenty of dick you passing up between here and there."

I really didn't have any words....well no, that's not entirely true. I thought about how Em has express dissatisfaction about how it seems that "the gay life" is only about going to the clubs and chasing dick/ass, and how he thinks life has to be better than that...there has to be more to it.  So I was disturbed and disgusted.  He should know me well enough to know that if I was only interested in sex then I would not be spending the time and energy to go to Reseda for it. That would mean that my interests in KB lies elsewhere.  However, I decided it wasn't worth the effort to call Em on that bull shit and just kept my mouth closed.  We hung out a bit more while having a bite to eat, then I bounce and had a great time with KB.

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

PS the irony is that as I'm writing this post it dawns on me that Em may have already knew about KB from reading my posts about him, but may not have know about the specific plans for that day. Which makes him "throwing salt/shade" about it then a bit more malicious than I originally thought back when he said it.

Twitter, bin Laden, Mendenhall, and Facebook - Oh My!

Self,

So I went to log into AOL and say a teaser about what an athlete had to say about Osama bin Laden on twitter.  Out of curiousity I clicked the link.

In short the article touched on how athletes in this case in particularly, Rashard Mendenhall of the Steelers, need to be careful about what they say in public (or in this case social networking sites) and how technology has advance beyond or protocals and (maybe in some cases common sense.)

Here is the article: Mendenhall

I'm quoting from the article that Mendenhall tweeted:

“What kind of person celebrates death? It’s amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We’ve only heard one side.”

The article talks about the backlash he got for that, how the Steeler's owner had to cover himself and the franchise's ass....blah blah blah.

I got to the end of the article and the first comment called Mendenhall a "dumb jock" and a lot of the following comments chimed in that sentiment or spoke his right to freedom of speech rather individuals agree with him or not. 

Well I was frankly a little pissed off, because I understand what the man was trying to suggest with is comment.  So I started to write a comment of my own to come to his defense (not because I'm a big fan....I had never heard of him until I read the article,) but because people are just soooo stupid.

So this was the comment I wrote;

Why does Mendenhall have to be dumb just because he's an athlete?  If some of you all were as smart as you thought you were, then you would have been intelligent enough to deduce what he was trying to say (and see he might actually be smarter than yourselves.) Basically I would guess that he's a government conspiracy theorist.  And that his comment suggest that MAYBE the events of 9/11 had some assistance from the President of that day.  (I mean, it is a little far fetch to think it was just a coincidence that after 9 months in office while the public was disputing his "victory" in the election that a national tragedy occured and all disagreements went silent? Oops, that might be too much for some of you all to grasps.)  Mendenhall's real mistake was not fully articulating his thought which left it open to the asinine interpretations of the imbeciles within the general public and media...and their negative feedback.

So I hit the "Leave comment" button and a new window opens up that says to "Log into Facebook" to leave a comment.

Damn, the devil thwarts me again.  LOL.  I am half tempted to create a Facebook account just to be able to refute the idiots that are on it.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Rude

Self,

I know that one thing that makes this country extremely unique is the fact that it is very divers. There are people from all over the world and speak a multitude of languages. And no where is that more evident than here in Los Angeles, and other major cities. I say that because in a way I do appreciate that fact but sometimes bilingual folks can piss me off.

So a couple days ago I was at work chatting with a coworker who I'll call Night because he works the night shift. So while I was talking to Night at his cubicle another company employee, who I'll call Manilla for the capital of his home country, came over and interrupted us. Now the conversation wasn't serious or important so that wasn't what I was upset about.

What pissed me off was that Manilla interrupted the conversation by speaking to Night in Tagalog, the language of their shared home country. This became like a 3 minute conversation between them. It's pretty obvious that I don't speak Tagalog (yes I know a few cuss words.) I found it extremely rude to basically dismiss me from the conversation by not speaking in English, the native (if not official) language of this country. I know Manilla speaks English because it's a requirement of our job. To Night's credit he gave all his responses to Manilla in English so I slightly was able to follow the thread of their dialog, despite the fact that Manilla continued to speak Tagalog.

As I stood there feeling annoyed and contemplating to say something about it I became very frustrated because it occured to me that doing so may have caused problems for me. I realized that with all of our civil liberties and the diversity tolerance policies to protect those liberties, that if I said something about Manilla speaking Tagalog and not English, I would have came off as some kind of racist.

And as I continued to think about the situation through out the day, I realized this wasn't the first time that I've witnessed something like this either at my expense like this or at the espense of others. The language can be Tagalog, Spanish, Chinese, Arabic, French or a whole range of others.

Maybe It wouldn't have been so bad if Manilla had started in English saying, "excuse me" before blurting out in Tagalog.

Did us native speakers give up our respect by trying to be respectful of others.

Did we become our own second-class citizens by allowing foreigners to earn their citizenship?

When did I miss that memo?

Sincerely,

Pharaoh

PS to "Where my boyz at?"

Self,

OK this is the "post script" because it was in the process of writing that entry that I noticed a few things.

So as I was writing the the post "Where my Boyz at," I did a web search for images of male bonding/male friends because I didn't want the post to be all text.

Why were like 75% of the images that came back in the search seemed rather homosexualized (if that isn't a word, then I just made it one,) or very homo erotic? I mean looking back at the pictures in the post, the black & white photo of some guys drinking and smoking cigars does not fall in to the category. For that matter neither is the one of the guys sitting around the table.

The picture of the guys hugged up in the water was a little suspect but I also found to be extremely playful that it basically out shined the tinge of homo-eroticism.

However I found others pictures that leaned more the other way. And I want to see am I crazy or do others see/get it too.

So this first group are pictures that I think do not have an homosexual or homo-erotic overtone:

Ok so those seem pretty basic; you know just folks having a good time and enjoying each others' company.

Now these I thought were....suspicious to say the least;

So the three walking on the beach may be more innocent than I think butlike the three on the jet-ski and the ones on the sofa suggest the idea of a threesome, with the three on the jet-ski pushing for a sandwich like scenario. The guys in blue I could almost let go as just a group of surfers or hell scuba divers if it wasn't for the one layed out on the floor wearing slacks and a silky shirt tied like a mid-drift.

And these last two are just over the top.

Honestly I like this one of the guys kissing. Yes it is very gay but I think its fun and a bit playful. I could almost buy it as three straight guys caught acting out an inside joke. (And yes I think they are all rather cute.) Although the reality is that it may be two gay friends expressing their affection and maybe even attraction for the third. The locker room shower....well I get that it's may be an advertisement to sell the shower equipment, playing off the idea of athletes bond as a team continuously as long as they are together. However, it looks like the boys are checking each other out. And the two in the bed...someone actually had the nerve to label it as "two straight guys bonding", REALLY????? Can't be. I mean I've shared a bed with str8 guys before and even if the conversations got deeply intense and personal, we were not laying up next to each other naked while covering up our crotches with pillows.

Anyway like I said I would love to hear some feed back on these pictures.

Sincerely,

Pharoah