Who is in Control?

Self,

Earlier this week I was talking with a friend, who for now I'll call RJ. We were discussing alcohol consumption and why alcoholics drink and some people do other drugs. Without going into too much detail of a back story, he said that he believes that people do cocaine or crack because they feel something is missing in their life.

I told him I agreed but to make no mistake that it's all the same rather the person is doing cocaine, crack, weed, or alcohol, if they are addicted and doing it in excess on a consistant or continual basis, then most likely they all feel they are missing something or looking to escape. I didn't say it then but to me, the difference is for some that void is filled by the daily or hourly glass of brandy, whiskey, vodka, tequila, rum or even beer. While for others maybe the void feels greater than that and they find other ways to fill it. (I just thought about those who use crystal-meth, cocaine and spend hours fucking at sex parties or bathhouses...how big must they feel their voids are to try to fill it with all those things at once? And yes some of us try to feel those voids with sex. But I digress.)

I confessed that I make the choice not to try to solve my problems in the bottom of a bottle. I know I don't want to be THAT type of person. I know I'm stronger than that. I know I'm more resilient than that. I know that rather anyone else believes it to be true or not. RJ didn't think it could be as easy as making a choice. At this point I started to share something with him that I've started doing for myself. I said, "I recently gave myself a new rule, although I won't say my track record is 100% accurate (meaning I occasionally choose to break my rule,) but I've started not having alcohol unless others around me are drinking also because I noticed that sometimes I've been out and was the only one at the table with a cocktail..."

RJ interupted, "People kill me with that. Why do people give up their control like that to folks who don't even know they have it. If I'm at a table with two recovering alcoholics and someone who just doesn't drink - it is alright for me to have a cocktail. It's like I told you last night about the cruise, I wouldn't give people control over me like that. You're sitting there looking at me as if I don't know what I'm talking about, but I've seen lots of reports and articles about this, you're no different from them." At this point, he went off in a different direction saying that I didn't want to hear what he was saying because he thinks it drives me crazy for someone to know more than me about anything....particularly if they know more about me than I do. (Personally I think that comment was him projecting because I know it to be totallly untrue because how can I learn anything if I don't accept that others may know more than me and LISTEN to what they are saying.)

So yeah I probably was looking at him as if he didn't know what he was talking about because well he didn't. Rather than LISTENING and letting me finish expressing my thought, (which I feel is rude, childish and annoying as hell,) he assumed he knew what I was saying and where I was going, so he armed himself and charged full speed ahead but essentially went to the wrong battlefield.

I tried to go back and finish my statement about being the only person at the table with a cocktail, but I was told I had finished and I decided I didn't want to waste the effort in trying. I am going to finish it here because this situation raises some questions, that I'm moving towards. The rest of my statement is that I consider myself a social drinker. For me the definition of that is someone who shares in the experience of alcohol consumption with others. So if I'm the only person sipping on alcohol at a table then I'm not SHARING that experience. Whicn meant to me that there's no difference between being the only one at a table drinking and me sitting infront of the TV after work having a drink by myself...either way I am drinking ALONE! If I'm going to be in a situation where I'm drinking alone I have to question myself as to WHY am I wanting that drink. If I feel that for whatever reason I'm using the drink as a crutch, then no drink. As I said I'm not 100% effective but I try. I know I'm stronger than that and don't want to give into those tendencies. (I know the loophole in that is everyone at the table could have a drink so I'm following the rules but I may still be having mine as a crutch for some reason...ain't quite worked that out yet.)

Don't get me wrong, there are times that I'll unapologeticaly break my rule to have a drink. (Case in point there's a restaurant here in Glendale, Cali that has a signature drink called a "Chai-tini," It is so good, taste like Chai-tea. So yeah occassionaly I will break my rule for the experience of that drink...hmm maybe I'll go get one tonight.)

The other aspect to this that made me consider that RJ didn't know what he was talking about was his own reference to another conversation we had about cruiseships, particularly gay cruises. It started innocently enough as to how are those cruises planned? If they don't see the turn out they are expecting, do they open the trip up to heterosexuals, If they do open it up, do they tell the heterosexuals that it's a gay cruise or what? Etc etc. Well, RJ had found an advertising photo online for a gay cruise line that showed a packed ship where folks were partying like it was a huge club. He said that it look like it would be a bathhouse on water in terms of the amount of sex that probably takes place on the ship. We sort of joked about the "nerds" or "fat boys" or even those guys that live in the middle of nowhere that get on those ships in the hopes of having sex to make up for the lack of sex in their regular life. We also joked about what it would be like for those who go looking to have sex but doesn't hook up with anyone, because all those "pretty boys" look over them and ignore them.

That's when RJ said, "See that's why I wouldn't even go, cause I wouldn't want to give them folks that control over me." When he said it, I instantly thought that he was already giving them that control and he was not even on the ship. To me he's allowing folks in that scenario to control him to make him sacrafice and miss out on a once in a lifetime experience, simply because of fear of possibly being rejected sexually. (Although there are many cruises, the conditions on any give cruise is NEVER exactly the same thus making it a once in a lifetime experience.) Maybe I should have brought it up then and the conversation about alcohol and control would have went differently.

I thought his comment was even more ironic because this is a man who have said repeatedly that he has no problem getting a piece of trade, and although it's not a competition in recent months he's been more successful at it than me, so I think he wouldn't have anything to worry about on the ship cause he could talk up on just about any man there he wanted...(lol while I'd be sitting at the bar waiting to hear how was it.)

SO the question is the title of this "note," who is in control? Am I really in control of my own alcohol consumption or am I being controled by others sitting at a table with me. Is RJ really in control by not going on the cruise, or are the cruise participants in control by making him not want to go, just by their mere existance? Does it really matter? Particularly in terms of my drinking, does it matter who is controling the situation if the result is that I am not creating a habit and engaging in a behavior that could lead me to being an alcoholic?

There's other scenarios that I could mention but I think I've said enough to make the point. Your feed back would be greatly appreciated. I'd love it if everyone who reads this post leaves a comment!

Sincerely,
Pharaoh