The Old Man and I

Self,

So last week when I was off, my father asked me to ride with him to the gas station so he can get gas for my mom's car.  We're riding on the way to a station that's further than the one I thought would be our destination. Well let me clarify, I thought he wanted to just go get him a cigar, it was the longer drive that made me understand that he was actually intending to buy gas.
So on the ride to the gas station we have some light conversation discussing some of the friends of mine he haven't seen in a while...or in the first case the one who he recently was told that she got engaged.

So on the way back to the house he asked if I've noticed if some of my friends are struggling with the burden of student loans from college.....while I do not.  Of course I know of people who of have student loans that they are working to pay off.  As I said I don't and count that among the other blessings in my life.  My father's reason for asking me about student loans was that he wanted to make it a point that I understood that me not having a student loan was by design on the part of him and my mother.  He said that it was due to the fact that the idea of providing an education for ones' children was of the highest priority of a parent was ingrained into them.  And they planned accordingly.  He said that he knows they weren't the only ones to get the message and that just because there were those who weren't able to do the same for children didn't mean that they didn't love their kids any less.  Again, something I had already figured out for myself.....sometime ago.

The next few things to come out his mouth was slightly surprising.  He then told me that it was my duty to do the same for my children, if I ever have any.   And if I don't then it's my duty to do it for my younger cousins, rather that means I help them with their undergraduate degrees or masters' or doctorate.
He said it would be my responsibility because when the members of his generation within the family are gone, I will be left as the patriarch of the family.

I think it kind of surprised us both after I told him that those were decisions I had already made for myself, when it we each realized that he and I were on the same page about something.

It also was a surprised to me that a few days later we were in the den getting a kick out of the movie "Easy A" particular since he had attempted to "bad mouth" me about the fact that I enjoy watching "The Golden Girls," to a friend of my parents.  

Who know's maybe there's some hope for us.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

My Girl

Self,
I just found it...yes it's old...but so what.

Dirty Draws

Self,

So this past week I had a number of folks come out the woodworks as they say.  This gets complicated so I'll go slow hoping you don't get lost.

So years ago when I was in college I was seeing this guy who at the time lived 2 hours away in San Diego. he was older...almost 10 years difference (yes he looked a lot younger.)  So I'm going to refer to him as SubZero, because that was the name he gave his motorcycle.

So a brief account of my and SubZero's history together is that we  were seeing each other for about 9 months. At the end of my school year, I went to stay with my cousin and her two sons in Arizona so I could get a summer job.  This was before cell phones were the norm for everyone so staying in touch with SubZero was difficult, but I tried.  I returned to school and in short, SubZero dumped me.  I was younger and dumber then and while swimming in my sea of rejection I did not want to totally let him go, so we transitioned into a friendship.

As friends I met the man who SubZero started seeing before I moved to Arizona, who I'll call Cinco-Tres...because he was only 5'3 which was even shorter than SubZero who is only 5'4.  Well in order to keep up appearance so I would not look like the idiot that's sitting across from the man for whom I was dumped, I befriended Cinco-Tres.  And Cinco-Tres was bonding with SubZero's roommate/tenant, Captain Cheer, (he was either coaching or on a cheer squad at the time....and I think this was even before "Bring It On."

So the fallout:
 * SubZero and I eventually a friends with benefits situation which kinda ended when I felt SubZero was just about the benefits and not the friendship so I became distant.
 * SubZero and Cinco-Tres broke up, Cinco-Tres and I stayed in touch for a while but not too long.
 * Captain Cheer moved out of SubZero's house and I never heard of him again.

This past week I heard from ALL THREE of these men...pretty much on the same day.  I got a text from Cinco-tres who then passed my number on to Captain Cheer, but SubZero actually called and we talked I think like an hour.

Cinco-tres is in a on and off relationship, that he not sure about at this point.  Captain Cheer move out, went into denistry and he and Cinco are like brothers now. Captain Cheer is seeing a military man who is younger, in the closet, and currently on deployment.  According to Cinco it was Captain's curiosity about me that prompted the initial text.  Captain Cheer invited me to come visit so we (the three of us) could catch up.

At the end of the conversation with SubZero, he invited me to come down and visit him.  But I can't help but be suspicious that the invite and call was just a ploy for him to start reaping benefits again, since it seems from our conversation that his dating situation hasn't been going as well as he would like.

I'm fine with seeing both Cinco-tres and Captain Cheer and may try to plan to go to San Diego soon, there's a few other folks there I would like to see too.

I don't know what to do about SubZero though.....I'm kinda week for that man and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

PS. The title/label isn't meant to imply a secret (ie dirty laundry), but simply to reference the past as in the underwear you pulled off before putting on a new set...meaning continued living and moving forward.

Who I Am

Self,

I mentioned that my "new year" (ie, my birthday) had started off hectic.  Some bad, but mostly good.

To be honest, my "new year eve weekend" was spent in a two-day class that helps individuals to learn how to reach their fullest potential.

I won't go into detail, because ...well it's an extremely personal and provocative experience.

What I want to share here is the vision of myself that appeared through one of the exercises in the class.

So the exercise was for each of the students to take a walk around the building, then imagine the life of an object in nature that "calls" us, then return to the classroom and write our descriptions of the objects.

So it's early evening and the sun has gone down but there's there residual sunlight we call twilight.   So the night is really taking over, and colors are muted. I walk around and find this branch of bougainvillea. (like this.)

It stood out to me, because it had grown over a brick wall that was a drab beige with a plain green shrub in front of it.

The description that I wrote was;

What seemed to call me about this bougainvillea branch was that it grew out of a backyard of a neighboring house to provide a slash of color against the brick wall over some green shrubs.  It has multiple blooms which contributes to a feeling of abundance and prosperity.  It obviously has been well nurtured.  It intrigues me because it grew to expand and thrive in a place where it technically doesn't belong.

So after all the students read their descriptions about the objects they found, we were asked to re-write the descriptions.  This time attributing the same characteristics to ourselves...(taking necessary liberties that coincide with writing about a person rather than an object.  Mine reads;

What I admire about myself is that I've grown into a man that enhances the environment around me and those in it.  I am strong, resourceful and loved.  I have evolved to exist in a place where others would assume I don't belong, however I am always where I belong.

I was somewhat dumbfounded.  I related the description first and foremost to those that tried to convince me that moving-in with my parents was a bad idea. Although it has been rough at times....we're making it work. I certainly see the benefits at those times when my grandmother's legs have given-out under her and she fell and my help was needed to get her off the floor or simply helping her to the bathroom so she would not fall.

I also related it to my business.  Despite the obstacles and not being where I would like to be, this vision/version has strengthen my resolve to press forward.  To do my best to help others along the way...Some who don't even realized that they NEED my help and that I have their best interest in mind.


Sincerely,
Pharoah

Happy Valentine's Day

Love is in the air!

Self,

So today is V-day.  Yeah for all the lovebirds and their lovey-dovey feelings!

So on Friday 2/11/11, my friend, NYSuitor asked me for advice on what he should do for Valentine's Day for his man, Sunrise.  (Ok, no NYsuitor is not a Suitor, but I don't see the point in changing his name on here.  However, NYSuitor, if you want a name change and have a suggestion, feel free to let me know.)  They have been together for almost two years now and I think they are among the lucky few, and I'm happy for them....Well I'm happy for NYSuitor since I haven't met Sunrise (yet) to be happy for him. But you get the point.

Anyway moving on, as I said he asked for advice about what he should do for his man.  I was driving at the time so it was hard to text an answer, but I shared with him what ideas came to mind.

The first suggestion was he to take them on a trip to Miami (Obviously, they live in NYC and I thought a warm weekend get away would be great.)

He shot that down because of timing issues, but he liked it.

My next suggestion was that He cook dinner for Sunrise...I thought this would be a great gesture since from what I hear Sunrise does all the cooking in the house.

I don't think he liked this idea, too much but he really didn't have a way of shooting it down so he just asked for another suggestion.

Just for a laugh I texted "Stripper. Lol"  Since he didn't respond, I take it he didn't think it was as funny as I did.  So I decided to be serious again and give him another suggestion.

I drew a blank.  I paused, and realized I was having a serious blank.  I finally had to admit to myself I was out of ideas, and I wondered why.

The answer, which I also texted NYSuitor to concede the fact that I was not a good person for this task was;

"Boo, it's been so long since I had a valentine, I'd be ecstatic with a card."

I realized for myself that I basically don't celebrate Valentine's Day anymore.  Sure I'll return the wish of a "Happy Valentine's Day" when someone offers its, but otherwise the day goes observed as any other.

I haven't heard anything else from NYSuitor, and I'm sure its because he went in to "problem solver" mode.  I know he came up with the perfect idea for him and Sunrise and they'll have a wonderful V-day.  I'd be happy to hear how all about it the next time he and I talk.

As for me;  I decided that I'm make an effort to celebrate the day a little more than usual.  I'm get some flowers for the three ladies in the house;  My mother, my grandmother, (who hasn't be in the best of health lately) and my aunt.   So I'm go so I can hit the store before they're sold out.

I know it's not big, but it is a start.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Them Heffa's Came to SING

Self,

So yesterday while at work I heard that the Baldwin Hills mall was doing the last concert in its free series and it was going to feature both Rachelle Farrell and Ledisi!

I definitely wanted to go. Schehimazade was also in town because of a family illness, so I told him about it and we figured out how to make sure we were in attendance.

When we got there I was surprised to learn that the concert was going to be outside in the parking lot rather than in the mall near the food court.  But when I saw the crowd I understood it was PACKED...I think nearly 1000 people.

Rachelle took the stage first, then Ledisi, then Rachelle join Ledisi on stage, then they had Kelly Price join them.

Y'all the title of this post says it all,   Them heffa's came to SING. They were FANTASTIC!

As Schehimazade and I were walking back to Thunderbolt, we realized that this was the first time that we went to a concert together!


I had a blast!

Sincerely,
Pharoah

I Just Gotta Laugh

Self,

So on Wednesday, after I wrote the post about not knowing if I would be writing any more post or not I hear something  that I found.....crazy, ok, ok let's just go with interesting.

I was listening to the radio and I heard an announcement that the Catholic church has launched an application for the iPhone for people's confessions.  The story is that of course the app isn't designed to replace the act of physically visiting a confessional inside a church with a priest. The apps purpose is to provide the devoted a means to keep track of their sins.

I'm not Catholic but my understanding of confession was to have a priest absolve a person of their sins. I know historically there were periods where people would pay to be absolve...and now I wonder if this iPhone app is  free or if there is a fee....and does the Catholic church receive a portion of that fee.....

is the fee per sin?

Sincerely,
Pharoah

SO....

Self,

Well as I said this is the new year and I noticed that for all of 2010 I had a grand total of ...........(the dots are the equivalent to a drum roll.)....80 "Notes to Self."

I guess that averages out to like 1 post a week....but I know that's not exactly how it went down, and that is by no means prolific writing.  =(

And as I sit in a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf writing this post.....I contemplate the idea of letting this blog go.

I'm not sure what to do with this anymore.  

I mean I know I can't predict the future, so there's no way of knowing what brilliant post I may be inspired to write down the road.  At the same time, my current track record would suggest that I'm allowing myself to just occupy territory in cyberspace.



Sincerely,
Pharoah

In the New Year

Self,

Well, the new year has started and so far;
My grandmother has been ill and in the hospital.
I got to see friends I hadn't seen in a while
I went to Vegas for a conference.
I lost my voice.
I had a sinus congestion.
I've injured my back.

So the year hasn't quite started off all that great.  However as I told someone else one day,  I must just be getting all my obstacles out of the way now at the beginning of the year to make way for all the good fortune and opportunities that will come later.


Sincerely,
Pharoah

The New Year is Approaching.

Self,

Well I may have mentioned in the past that for me despite the festivities in which I may participate on December 31st, my "new year" doesn't really start until my birthday.  It's rapidly approaching.

Now like most people when they think of the year to come they think about what changes in their life they want to make, what bad habits they want to change, what new habits they are looking to create...that sort of thing.

Well there are a few things that I want change;

I want to let go of fear.
I want to let go of doubt.
I want to develop a deeper level of faith


I'm sure there will be others that come to mind before the "New Year" arrives, but those are the primary tasks to tackle.

Wish me luck!

Sincerely,
Pharoah