Dark Days in the Kingdom

Self,

I didn't realize it has been so long since I wrote anything here.  Sadly, I can't totally say that it was just an oversight on my part.  I have been avoiding posting anything on here for a while....because I felt that I was complaining or whining and being negative.  So I been waiting to be able to come from a more positive place....and I guess I just haven't been in that place until now.

This past weekend at the urging of my cousin, the royal family went to Arizona contengent.  Overall, it was a good visit.  It was great to see them! Plenty of food and merriment! I mean it was the first time we were all under one roof, in a long time and definitely the case for 2013.  When I say "we," I mean the WHOLE family! The attending royals were:  Pharoah, the royal parents and brother; my cousin, her husband and sons, my mom's older sister, my mom's younger brother; their youngest brother, his wife and two kids; and my grandmother.

I mentioned my grandmother last because she was the reason for the event.  My cousin thought it would be good for my grandma to see us all together.  The part that has me with a heavy heart is that my cousin suggested this because it seems my grandmother is beginning to suffer from the onset of dementia.  I don't know if she is aware of it.  My aunt and cousin relayed stories to us of my grandma mental loss. Like her laying in bed saying mama (her grandmother) told her she had to get up to go to school. (Like she was 8-9). Or the funny one of how my grandma was going to take a relative of my cousin's husband back to her home to work on the farm and she needed new sheets for the bed becasue they were going to be sleeping together (the afore mentioned relative is 30 and could be one of her grandchildren, the house she talking about has been demolished.)  I watched as my grandma started a conversation, engage in the details of it and finish it. Then not even a full five minutes restart the conversation exactly as she did the first time...as if she didn't just have it.

The hardest moment for me, was a night my grandma woke up at like 3am calling out for someone, I go to check on her and she says she don't know where my grandfather is, he's not in bed, she's not sure if he went to the bathroom or fell on the other side of of the bed.  (My grandfather died two years ago.)

So yeah, I'm not feeling totally positive and up beat.
Sincerely,
Pharoah

Getting Lost....And Found

Self,

Not to long ago I stopped and visited my Aunt Kwe-Kwe...or is it Cray-Cray...lol anyway.  Along with all the other things that goes with our visits, she shared some new music with me....there's three CDs but I'm only discussing one in this entry. 

This is for those jazz heads!

The CD:  The Mosaic Project
The Artist:   Terri Lynn Carrington (you may remember her as the drummer and musical director for the band on the Arsenio Hall Show in the '90s.)
The Track:  "I Got Lost in His Arms"

I am not ashamed to say that I have been rocking the hell out of this song!  I love it!  It has a funky groove, the horns are on FI-YAH.    Below is a Youtube clip giving you a sample of it.




HOT, Right,?!?!?  I'm not done.   As hot as the arrangement is, I think what hits home the most for me are the lyrics;

I got lost in his arms

And I had to stay;

It was dark in his arms

And I lost my way.

From the dark came a voice

And it seemed to say,

There you go,

There you go.

How I felt as I fell

I just can't recall.

But his arms held me fast

And it broke the fall.

And I said to my heart,

As it foolishly kept jumping

All around,

I got lost,

But look what I've found.

These words are communing to a part of me.  The more I listen to the song....which is almost constantly riding around in Thunderbolt, the more I realize...That's something I want.  I want to get lost in someone's arms and be astonished at the fact that I am also holding on to a treasure....I don't mean a trophy, but something to truely cherish. 

On top of that.....I want that feeling for everybody!  Of course I am more confident that it will happen for others than myself...and I will always be that cheerleader to push folks towards it when I think I see it....but alas for me I just don't know.  However I am in a ongoing discussion with DaBlackHobbit about faith and fear and I'm choosing to have faith....and take actions regardless of the results....that's always the hard part.....for all of us....everyone is always affraid of being hurt/dissappointed/let down AGAIN, that the fear of it causes paralysis.

I would like to think that it will happen...for me, my friends and everyone else, it just takes time and patience.  But atleast its progress from the days when my heart communed with "Good Morning Heartache" and "This Bitter Earth"......OK...both songs can still stop me in my tracks and nearly bring tear to my eyes, but hey there's still some growth there dammit! LOL.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Pot's Right

Self,

So this past weekend was the birthday weekend for both, the Royal Brother, and Prince Esquire.  Lots of activities to celebrate both occasions. 

Prince Esquire had a list of events that started on Thursday we went to a "underground" Cuban Rum bar.  It was cute the underground part was that they had it set up as if you walked in to and office and the "secretary" greeted you then opened the secret door to let you into the "speak easy" club.  It was a fun night for a Thursday. Prince Esquire also...."held court" at a bar in WeHo where there was a drag show. Although I did make an appearance at this event, I had missed the show and simply had a drink with the group, which included both my girlfriend and my mistress....my wife no longer comes out to party since she has kids with her legal husband.   And then Sunday Esquire again  held court at a champagne brunch buffet.  I think all those who attended had a good time.

The reason I was late to the drag show was due to the event honoring the Royal Brother's birthday.  His girlfriend had planned a suprised poker party for him at her parents home that included BBQ burgers and hot dogs.  They play "Texas Hold'em," for those that are curious. The suprised part was for 2:30pm and my thought was that I could stay a couple hours then join Esquire and the gang for 9pm.  Well...I decided to get into the poker game.  And washed out after about the second hand thanks to the Royal Brother.  I sat there watching and then one of thr Royal Brother's friends who had been doing pretty well most of the game decided she had to leave and let me take over her chips...and I was able to come back and win the prize.

I was surprised to win...but the prize was a nice blessing that arrived....when I needed it.  I collected my prize, helped clean up a bit, then ran to catch Prince Esquire and the gang.  Later when I saw the Royal Brother again at home, I gave him a piece of the prize because well he was the birthday boy and if it wasn't for that I wouldn't have been playing in the first place.

It was then jokingly mentioned by my folks when they heard that I won, that my brother's friend who left me her chips will be expecting her share of the prize. 

Should I share part of the prize with her?


Sincerely,
Pharoah

PS for the record I already know what I am going to do, but as always I am curious to hear what thoughts other may have to share.

Mother's Day

Self,

Yesterday was Mother's Day.    And a pleasant one was had. Of course I cooked dinner for the Queen Mother....there was some assistance from both the Royal Sire and Royal Sibling.  I made The Queen Mother's favorite dish, "Steak Diane" along with garlic & dill mashed potatoes and spinach salad.  Actually, Steak Diane is really a Royals favorite we all love to have it when ever possible.  It's suppose to be made with filet mignon, but most times a good New York Strip steak works well. the secret is near the end it is flambé using a cognac (Henessey generally)....and that's all I will say here....Hmm maybe one day I'll actually share the recipe on "The Colored Plate" blog....lol but is an advanced recipe, not sure folks are ready for it!  Anyway, dinner was great success, I also made the other family favorite, peach cobbler.


The only hiccup to the day....is that I was sent three "Happy Mother's Day" messages.  WHY do people send Mother day greetings to men.  To me.....it's like wishing "Merry Christmas" to a Muslim, Jew, Buddhist or any other Non-Christian.  Hmmm....it's like wishing a Klu Klux Klan member a happy "Martin Luther King Jr Day."  It just doesn't make sense to do it.  It is even more strange to me, for a man to wish another man a "happy Mother's day"   Ironically...all three messages were from other guys....atleast one was kind of enough to send a picture of himself shirtless to go along with the inappropriate greeting.  Is it me...am I just crazy?

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Suprises

Self,

So I have been really loving this song...and KB has been feeling it too. We both are big Jill Scott fans. So I thought about surprising him with tickets for us to go when she comes to LA in August.

I've been conteplating this idea for a little over a week, not sure if I really wanted to surprise him or just ask him if wants to go. A few days ago while my parents were visiting family in Arizona, my father calls me all EXCITED from having seen Miss Scott's performance on the BET Awards, and is NOW an absolute fan. He then surprises me saying that I must let him know the next time she is in town because he wants to go see her live.

I'm in awe. I let slip that she will be here in August and that I was thinking about going with a friend. My father actually fixed his lips to say to buy 4 tickets then and tell him how much he owes for his and my mom's tickets!


I haven't bought any yet, but I don't know if I'm ready for KB to meet my parents...not to mention having my parents sitting next to us TOTALLY changes the dynamic of "date" for me and KB.


I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

PS. It was suggested that I get two pairs of tickets; ie one for me and KB and then another on the other side of the venue for my parents!

BabyBro's Woes

Self,

Well the other day I got "hate" text from BabyBro.  I was surprised and obviously a bit hurt...and that hurt only grew when he didn't respond back to my inquiry about the "hate" message.

We've sinced talked and got a few things cleared up....and hopefully we won't run into any more snags. 

So I guess between all the things that I have going on and that there been a gap in communication between us...BabyBro had become kind of jealous and seriously considered the idea that he had actually been replaced. 

Well I was more hurt by that then the hate texts!  We had a serious heart to heart about it, he explained that the hate text was really the result of a overall crappy day and that the feeling of being replaced and lack of communication was just icing on the cake of which I bore the full force.

He felt a little better when I told him he had nothing to worry about because I had not even heard from his potential replacement, Neo, in over a week since.  More importantly I believe I effectively relayed the fact that I could never really replace him...no matter how many other potential baby brothers come in to my life....he is first and foremost of my lil brothers...aside from the biological one with whom I grew up.  For that reason I'm altering his nickname to BabyBro-Prime   Hopefully it will serve as a reminder to him the significance and depth of the bond we continue to build with each other.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

PS Love you BabyBro-Prime

The Day is Done.

Self,

Well as of Friday, April 22, 2011, my grandfather's ashes have been laid to rest.

I know I mentioned that my grandfather was not a church going man...and I though the idea of hold a memorial service for him at the church was not the best idea, but it turned out nice.  They kept it very simple....which was appropriate!

The repast at the house....kinda would have worked his nerves.....maybe it just worked mine. The think he would have appreciated about the repast was that people coming together and enjoying conversations with one another.  LOL the only thing missing for him would have been a table where they were playing either dominoes or Bid Whist.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Mommy & Me Night

Self,

Last Wednesday (April 13, 2011), my mother and I went to see Alvin Ailey American Dance Company.  She had heard they would be in town and before my grandfather passed we purchased tickets.  I had agreed to go because I figured it would be a little escape from him being in the hospital at that time. Now that he has passed away, it was even more important to give her something enjoyable to take her mind off things.

This year marks the 50th anniversary of the Ailey classic ballet Revelations.  Of course, this is probably my mom's main reason for wanting to attend the performance, that in connection with the fact this is Judith Jamison's last season as artistic director.  That night I found out that my mom first saw the dance company back when she was in college.  Which now that I think about it says a lot about the the small liberal arts college in the '70s.  But then again that might be something we should expect for the college that is the Alma Mater to the first African-american President of the United States of America.

Seeing how much my mom enjoyed the show....it made me wonder if my mom is a repressed ballerina.  I mean maybe she saw the Ailey company and wanted to dance, but the pressure of being the first of the family to go to college, made her think in more practicul terms.  I mean even now I know that dancers struggle for their craft and art because they love it....not because the pay is great.  My grandfather as wonderful of a man he was...I don't think he would have went for her attending school to major in dance, but for her to graduate as a teacher was....something he would have understood.

I'll have to ask her at some point.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Memorial

Self,

Well there's are a few things that need to be settled, however last night i was told by my mother that the church has been reserved for my grandfather's memorial service on April 21, 2011.  Despite the fact that I thought it was agreed that we weren't going to have a church service since my grandfather wasn't a church going man, my mom and aunt seem to have decided that's what going to happen. 

Don't get me wrong, I get their rationale behind it. 
1. It has been a lot of my grandmother's friends from the church who have come to console her.
2. With everyone asking about a service, we have to do something.
3. Most people are not likely to make the long drive to the gravesite.

However, that said
1. I don't want to go and feel like I'm a cast member in a Tyler Perry production. 
2. I don't want a bunch of folks who didn't really know my grandfather, sitting there causing a scene.
3. I just don't like funnerals.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Rest In Peace

Self,

So Wednesday April 6, 2011 about 8PM my family came together at the Veterans Affair hospital of Long Beach, California to take my grandfather of life support. 

Those present were:

My grandmother, his wife
His four children (from oldest to youngest): My aunt, my mom, my 2 uncles.
Three of his six grandchildren (oldest to youngest) My cousin (my aunt's daughter,) myself and my brother.  Two of the other three were chose not to be present and the last grandchild is too young to be allowed in the ICU.
The wife of the youngest of my grandfather's sons.
And four members from my grandmother's and mom's church.

My grandfather, OLB, was always a strong independant man, which came through even in this scene. He continued to breathe (although slightly labored) on his own for over an hour before most of us left to seek solace in our own beds about 11:00PM.  His first born son stayed until after 1AM. However approximately about 5:30am my grandfather's body finally succumbed to its ailments, and he passed onto the next phase of his existance.

With love,
Pharoah

A New Riddle

Self,

My grandmother and three of her four children sit at the dining room table to make some decisions about the final arrangements for my grandfather in order to have some things in place.

My grandfather will be cremated per his and my grandmother's wishes.
The ashes will be buried at the National Cemetery as is his right as a war veteran.
There will be a grave side service and repass/memorial/fellowship gathering at our house.

One of the questions that the doctors said they need the family to answer was how didtwe want to schedule my grandfather being taken off the respirator?  Meaning do we want to arrange to be there when they turn off the machine or do we want them to do it and to receive a phone call when he passes.

My mom: "Well I don't think there's a reason .....*tears*...there's enough memories....*tears* ....I don't want to be there."

My aunt: "I....*tears*.....I don't want him to be alone."

My eyes swelled up with tears as I watched the scene.

So, do we let our memories burn bright while someone else extinguishes his candle.  Or do we let our candles shine on him while engraving in our minds the memory watching his light flicker away.

How do you make that choice?

Even now, hours later my eyes are watery from the thought.
And not knowing which is the best choice.

Love,
Pharoah

Riddle Me This???

Self,

How are you suppose to honor 86 years of living?  How does one let go of 66 years of love?  Is it appropriate to mourn the loss of a loved one while watching him lay in a hospital on what may ultimately be his deathbed?  Or do you wait the undetermined time until there is an actual funeral and burial service to begin the grieving process?  Is there a specific amount of time that you are suppose to grieve when a loved one dies?

These are just some of the questions that crossed my mind on Sunday, when I stood in the ICU of the hospital looking at my grandfather.  I stood next to my grandmother sitting in her wheelchair as she alternated between simply shedding tears and speaking to him.  Each time she spoke she started by calling his name and the words "open your eyes."  Generally it sounded as if she was telling him what to do (as she often did in their 66 years of marriage,)  But sometimes, it felt like she was asking him to do so, almost pleading.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

My Friday.....

Self,

So, I worked the graveyard shift and got off at 8am this morning.  Well the first thing I did was climb into my bed...rest for my aching body.  

So after I wake up and put some food in my stomach, my mom, aunt, and grandmother returned with news of my grandfather who is still in the hospital.

The word is that he is still on the respirator, however they don't know why he won't wake up. He is still basically unresponsive although he has opened his eyes occasionally.  The doctor(s) instructed my mom and aunt that the family should consider rather, or more actually when they want to take him off the respirator to see if he can breathe on his own.  This is definitely somewhat a down turn. the hard part is there is no way of knowing that if he does start breathing on his own again, how long that will last.

I will remain positive.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Gramps

Self,

Well my grandfather has been in the hospital for just about two weeks now.  Yesterday, he was moved to the ICU and put on a respirator to help keep is lungs clear of blood and fluids....particularly until they figure out where the blood is coming from.

He looks SOOOOO frail and fragile.................So not the man of my childhood and memories.

Right now things aren't looking too good.

However I don't write this to acknowledge his demise.  Instead I'm entwining my prayers and well wishes with those of my family (yours are welcomed and appreciated) so that this can be used to document the blessing of his pending recovery.

Love,
Pharoah

The Old Man and I

Self,

So last week when I was off, my father asked me to ride with him to the gas station so he can get gas for my mom's car.  We're riding on the way to a station that's further than the one I thought would be our destination. Well let me clarify, I thought he wanted to just go get him a cigar, it was the longer drive that made me understand that he was actually intending to buy gas.
So on the ride to the gas station we have some light conversation discussing some of the friends of mine he haven't seen in a while...or in the first case the one who he recently was told that she got engaged.

So on the way back to the house he asked if I've noticed if some of my friends are struggling with the burden of student loans from college.....while I do not.  Of course I know of people who of have student loans that they are working to pay off.  As I said I don't and count that among the other blessings in my life.  My father's reason for asking me about student loans was that he wanted to make it a point that I understood that me not having a student loan was by design on the part of him and my mother.  He said that it was due to the fact that the idea of providing an education for ones' children was of the highest priority of a parent was ingrained into them.  And they planned accordingly.  He said that he knows they weren't the only ones to get the message and that just because there were those who weren't able to do the same for children didn't mean that they didn't love their kids any less.  Again, something I had already figured out for myself.....sometime ago.

The next few things to come out his mouth was slightly surprising.  He then told me that it was my duty to do the same for my children, if I ever have any.   And if I don't then it's my duty to do it for my younger cousins, rather that means I help them with their undergraduate degrees or masters' or doctorate.
He said it would be my responsibility because when the members of his generation within the family are gone, I will be left as the patriarch of the family.

I think it kind of surprised us both after I told him that those were decisions I had already made for myself, when it we each realized that he and I were on the same page about something.

It also was a surprised to me that a few days later we were in the den getting a kick out of the movie "Easy A" particular since he had attempted to "bad mouth" me about the fact that I enjoy watching "The Golden Girls," to a friend of my parents.  

Who know's maybe there's some hope for us.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Turkey Day - Part Two

Self,

Just a quick update.

My cooking was off the CHAIN! Originally my mom was planning to keep it simple and make Stove-Top Dressing, but I decided I wanted to try making the dressing from scratch. Not only did I succeed, but it was DAMN good.

Everything was good!

Sincerely,

Pharoah

Turkey Day

Self,

I just want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. I know some people choose not to celebrate this holiday because of it's political ramifications. Although I agree with those arguments for the most part, I mostly see this as a day of reflection and to spend time with loved ones.

That said I will be doing a large portion of the cooking for the feast...mostly the sides. I'm going to learn how ot make stuffing from scratch.

Wish me luck!

Sincerely,

Pharoah

Faith

Self,

SOOO, in short I have been struggling with my faith. For a while it has repeatedly seem that when ever I seek out something positive for myself, and try to have faith that things will work out....it doesn't.

It's been hard because I don't want to seem ungrateful for the blessing that I do receive. However, it sucks to want something and it stays out of reach.

Well I mentioned that I had a jury summons. I DID NOT want to to have to serve on a case. I expected to just call in to the automated system a couple times then be released. But I actually had to go into the courthouse. After going to the Courthouse jury assembly room, I thought "Ok if I spend a day sitting here then get released, I can work with that." However I got called on the first panel and was forced to return a week later. The whole week I kept telling myself that I wouldn't have to serve on the case because it was suppose to last 30 days. I was trying to stake the claim in the universe for what I wanted. The idea was that when I called the system again a week later it would say that I am dismissed. Yet, I was told to report to the courthouse again.

So Wednesday I had to sit through the jury selection process. I was one of the first names to be called for the jury box. I spent the WHOLE day in the jury box. I thought my fate was sealed. At 4:30pm (Right before the judge called a recess for the day,) I was asked to be excused by one of the attorneys. And my duty was complete.

In the end I got what I wanted, my jury duty did not extend beyond the 2 week period. I was a bit surprised and relieved.

I must say that this experience may be a start to rebuilding my dwindling faith. I was frustrated that for a while it looked like I was going to have to extend the jury service. The lesson that I am going to work on trying to remember is that God/Creator/Divine Universe may not deliver when and how you want it but there's a delivery all the same. Maybe on the road to rebuilding my faith is to not focus on the hows and whens, just the whats that equals to the desired results.

Sincerely,

Pharaoh

Milestones

Self,

Well although I'm still staying at base-camp this week. This vagabond hasn't had much of an adventure lately. But this post isn't really about me.

I just wanted to write a short note recognizing that the first of my younger cousins on my mom's side of the family is now a High School graduate. The story is that she will be attending UC, Riverside in the fall. She is a graduate of California Academy of Math and Science. This is a very unique prestige school located on the campus of California State University of Dominguez Hills. She is the 3rd graduate that I know of from that school and like the ones before her, her association with the school will lead her to success.

Suffice it to say, we all are proud and we celebrated her achievement the evening of June 9, 2010. My only wish is that she was going away to school, rather than going to school locally.

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

Madness

Self,

I know I'm gay....and I know many would assume that watching good looking men display athletic prowness and getting sweaty, to be a given pasttime for gay men.

However, I think the fanticism that people have toward sports is just madness. I'm at my parents house it's Game 2 of the NBA Finals (Lakers v. Celtics) and this house has come to a stand still except for me. There's all kinds of things to get done around here. My brother left his room in a mess. My mom hasn't finished some of the things that I need her to do in order for me to finish moving in to my "new" bedroom but all eyes are glued to the big flat screen TV in the family room. Chips and dips have been placed on the table and comfortable seats are being warmed by various glutius maximi (not sure of the plural.)

I mean let the Lakers (the household favorites) send me a check for the hours spent watching them....then it might make sense to me....but otherwise I don't get stopping in your tracks to watch...maybe it's just boring to me.

Sincerely,
Pharaoh