Done

Self,

Well THEBoyfriend and I have come to the end of the line.  I don't want to go in to the gruesome details, the short answer from my perspective is that we realized that although we want the samethings, we are on two different pages as to how and when to get there, and that's going ot put us at odds.  Suffice it to say that we agreed to remain friends.  However he has suggested that we talk more so we can see if we can get back together.  ....But I don't think that's what I want.


Sincerely,
Pharoah

It May Be The End of The Road

Self,

Things seem to be deteriorating between THEBoyfriend and I.  Tuesday, I finally sat with him to discuss my issue with the text he sent at Christmas.  He also had issues with me he wanted to address.  It became an extensive conversation and intense.

His issues with me are;

• that he doesn't feel that I'm really into him,
• that maybe we really aren't compatible,
• that maybe we aren't on the same page in regards to what we want,
• that I'm in the relationship out of fear of being alone,
• that maybe I'm not really attracted to him because I have looked at other men while in public,
• that our level of comunication isn't at the level he wants and feel it should be, 
• that he feels he's being taken advantage of financially because he does a lot of driving when we're together and that I haven't been sensative/observant enough to help replenish/buy groceries or cook when we are together,
• that he was hurt when I had just told him that I questioned his actions regarding the Christmas text as possibly being malicious since he feels I should know better,

Well suffice it to say that I was overwhelmed by that list and told him so.  I also told him that I needed some time to process every thing we discussed and that we should table the conversation until later, particularly since I had to go to my other office which he already had prior knowledge.  We left the restaurnt where we didn't eat.

About 23 hours later I had a missed call and a voice mail and a text from him saying he hadn't heard from me that day and wanted to see where my head was at regarding our conversation and if we could continue it.  I explained that my head was basically in the same place because as he knew when I suggested that we pause the conversation, I had to go to my other office and was busy there. After I left the office I came home and went ot bed because I was tired (drained,)  I like him, have been busy at work all day, and when I got back home I was busy doing those domestic things that many people do on weekends that I don't get to do because I'm not home on the weekends.  We have some basic conversation and then I tell him I need to go on the grounds that I still have things to finish before I can go to sleep.  He hangs up....I text him "Good Night" since all he say was "ok" before disconnecting.

This morning I sent a text just saying hello.  I also sent a text asking a question to try and open up some dialogue between us.  His first response was that he felt that it should be discussed in person or on the phone not via text.  I thought about and felt that was a reasonable idea and texted back , "ok."  He basically then started spitting venom by turning my words from another conversation back on me stating that he assumes I am just as dissatisfied with that answer as he was when I first gave it to him.  Well honestly, I don't think I would have be dissatisfied with that answer, if those were his honest feelings as they were for me when I told him. I was more shocked that he was saying it out of spite. However he claims it's unfathomable for him to be malicious.  He admitted that he's hurting and emotional and won't make any apologies for it.  I responded that when I initially spoke those words to him that I was being honest in the moment, and that I'm sorry my answer wasn't good enough for him at that time.

What all this is starting to reveal to me that he might be right, maybe we really aren't compatible and that maybe I was just trying ot make us out to be.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

What Does It Mean.....?

Self,

So Christmas has come and went....there were a few gifts under the tree for me.   I have a few questions about some of the gifts people give, though.  Ok this didn't happen this year, but I had someone give me a used CD (as in cracked case and all)  The person took the time to wrap it with a bow and my name on a sticker.  The person that says "maybe they were low on funds"... could get shot.  Because as far as im concerned the person didn't have to give a gift if you are struggling financially....no I'm not so materialistic that I only accept new items in fact its the opposite....I don't always have to get a gift.  I'll be OKAY!

The person that says, "well maybe the person thought you would like the artist"....could get cut, because even if that is true....he could have just gave me the CD....without it being a Christmas present.  Just say "hey, [Pharoah] here's a cd I didn't like, but I thought you might,"....and save the wrapping and "fanfare."

I don't know....it just strikes me as odd.

Ok speaking of odd....this year I noticed something.....almost every year my mom gives us a manicure set.   I mean my dad's feet and toenails are ghastly.....broke toes, bunyons....eww  But why does she give me and my brother matching sets too?  Is she trying to warn us about what are feet will look like when we get to be 60?  Or is she hinting that we are sporting claws of our own?  Of course the problem i can't ask her cause it would probably come off as being ungrateful....but it makes me go, ....hmm.


Last thing....I been saying I want a Kindle....I thought THEBoyfriend would have picked up on it and got me one....but he didn't and went a different route.....clothes (with shoes) and a bracelet.   So now I'm looking to get the Kindle for myself.  I've been thinking that I would get teh Kindle Touch...since it's only $99.  I have a Best Buy gift card that will cover most of the price and will have to put a little more to get it out the store ....legally.   However the this morning I learned that I can use my AmEx reward points on Amazon.com and I have enough point to almost cover the cost of the new Kindle Fire.   But I don't know if it would be worth it.  I mean the K-Fire is more like a pc tablet than an ereader like the original Kindle and K-Touch.  So I can store not only books/magazines but also music and movies as well.  What makes me hesitate is that its new....have they really worked out all the kinks....and will they be making a Fire 2 in 6 months to a year...like Apple does to correct the kinks they didnt fix in their rush to get it on the market for the holidays.

If anyone has either the K-Touch or K-Fire...please let me know what you think.


Sincerely,
Pharoah

Oh No I Didn't....

Self,

Well I couldn't do it.  I couldn't be the ASSHOLE as I said on Christmas Eve.  Doesn't mean the situation is resolved, just means I could put an damper on the holiday.....so it's bubbling on the back burner.


Sincerely,
Pharoah

DAMN - Oh No You Didn't!

Self,

This man is unbelieveable!

So for weeks, since atleast just before Thanksgiving, THEBoyfriend said that he was going to Chruch Christmas morning.  OK it sounded important to him so I did not have a problem with it.  SO the plan is that we would spend Christmas Eve together and while he went of to church and to spend Christmas day with his bestfriend who will be in LA from ATL, I would go home to exchange gifts and spend the day with my family.

So yesterday morning, I get a text while at work that reads;

"I decided to forgo Christmas morning service so we could [spend] more time together Christmas morning.....That is if you would like to spend Christmas morning with me?"

REALLY - You got to be f*cking kidding me!

I was speechless.  All I sent back was "Wow."   So now he's making me have to choose between being the evil son/brother who won't be around Christmas morning or being the mean boyfiend who "doesn't want to spend more time with his man on Christmas morning, because he has other plans."  Great....and I'm suppose to be excited or something about all this.  He obviously didn't understand or care about the position into which he just squeezed me. 

He sent back: "WOW..!!? Thats all u have to say...?" 

Now I'm also mad that I have to explain to him what he's done, I text back;

"Yeah cuz u put me in an unfair position. For weeks u said u were going to church & I based my plans on that.  Now u made a decision changing that....so now u having me looking like an asshole to my family if I stay with u.....or I look like an asshole to u if I don't stay....so yeah all I can say is WOW. So is this a test what would you have me say?"

He said go be with my family but I wasn't falling for that bluff and called him on it by pointing out that doing so basically then made me a horrible boyfriend. Me being me I also told him that I would see what I can do to accommodate the change and we will discuss it later because I didn't think this conversation should have been had via text.

There's a part of me that is pissed enough that I want to continue my plans as schedule....or make it worse by getting up at dawn Christmas morning to go home.  It turns out that my parents are planning to go to church and won't be done til the early afternoon so things should work out.

That said, I will still have to be the ASSHOLE boyfriend on Christmas Eve when I see him.  THEBoyfriend is not just very demanding as he has said, he is utterly selfish.  The audacity to make a decision that effects me and then manipulate the situation so that I become the villian if he doesn't get what he wants is....asinine....and a thousand other words that I can't express at the moment.  Maybe I'm having a Bitch moment but I don't think so.  THEBoyfriend needs to be told about himself and his bullsh*t because this type of behavior is totally unacceptable.  His actions (even with the good intentions of wanting to spend more time together) were a total disrespect of me as an individual as if I don't matter and if it continues..... frankly, I will walk.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Cosmic Favoritism

Self,

I can't help but wonder how to be the direct beneficiary of some Cosmic Favoritism.  I seem to only get it secondhand.

So I was wondering through a store a few months back and stumbled upon something that I thought would be a nice gift for a friend.  (I can't say too much in case the friend is reading I don't want this person knowing their gift before I give it to them, and for identifiaction this will be FriendA.)  So I bought it. And to keep it simple, lets call it gift#1a  On it's own it would mostly be a "thoughtful" gift, not bad since it wasn't planned.  Later I thought of something that would be a great pairing to gift#1a and the combination would be a "fitting" gift for the person.  So I decided I would buy  gift#1b.  As I stood there thinking about it for a second it occurred to me that gift#1b would be nice for another person who I know through FriendA, who I'll call FriendB. So I actually bought two gift#1b. 

Well I got to thinking that it would be nice if I could find something similar to gift#1a for FriendB.  So I started intentially wandering stores looking for another gift#1a.  I found one...I didn't like it as much but it did complete the pairing.  However I also kept looking.
So the other day, I showed everything to my mom and explained the situation. She agreed that the gift#1a that I bought for FriendB wasn't quite as nice as the one for FriendA, so we decide to try another store.  WOULD YOU BELIVE that I found the exact same gift#1a.  It's a perfect match!

So the point of all this is that although I am thankful that I was able to find what I needed to make a suitble gift to give to someone.  It would be nice to recieve similar cosmic favor for things in my own life.  Like being the right caller to a radio contest, or having business transaction go through, being able to get really great deals on airfare or free upgrade.  Or like here at work they are asking for donations to put in a card for the janitor....nobody in his family is ill or has died, they just being nice with the holiday spirit....He's about to come up like $400-800....if not more.

INSTEAD, on top of everything that goes with the holidays, I have to add the expense of having to have Thunderbolt's engine serviced - just after paying his registration fees, I got notices that I have to pay the renewals for my financial licenses..............

Yeah, a little extra cosmic favor for myself would be nice. 

.................maybe it's coming down the line, but I'll continue as if it ain't coming.

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

A Gift Dilemma

Self,

So I was JUST told that my idea to give THEBoyfriend colonge for Christmas is bad and that I suck as a boyfriend, even though I actually managed to get THEBoyfriend to pick out the cologne in the store because he thought I was buying it for my brother.

So I sent out a few "emergency" text explaining the situation looking for other suggestions.   Two of the response that I got back right away was basically...forget that friend and that I shouldn't worry about what the friend thinks since THEBoyfriend picked it and liked it. 

However it has also be said that I should also include something else.   My dilemma is that I don't want to set a precident here that they I have to out do later at Valentine's Day or next Christmas....I mean this is only the first Christmas.

But, I am open to other suggestions.

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

By The Way....

Self,

While I'm on the subject of THEBoyfriend....I could also use some help with suggestions for a Christmas present?!?!?!?!?

What It Is!

Self,

I fell it's time to pen a post here but I can't really get the thoughts together.  The only thing recent that is note worthy are that I was in a wedding for whom I am friends with both the bride and groom.  It was a very beautiful event.....the bride was gorgeous...(and yes incase the groom is reading...you were quite handsome so don't feel left out!)  Actually the entire wedding party looked fantastic (myself included of course!)  I have never been one of the groomsmen in a wedding before this so it was .....quite the experience.  It was actually the first time I've worn a tuxedo....instead of a cummerbund we had custom made ties that match the the bridesmaid with whom we each were paired, with the groom matching the bride in white.

Obviously the other thing of note was the Thanksgiving holiday, which I spent in Arizona while THEBoyfriend went to Atlanta to be with his best friend and her girlfriend.  While in Arizona I guess the universe decided that I didn't seem as thankful as I should've been since it was near the end of the holiday weekend that my back went out on me.  (And before anyone gets some wild ideas and tries to make any crazy comments, it happened while I was putting on socks after a shower.....and as best as I can tell it is a re-aggravation of a work injury I had back in February.......Nasty Fuckas!)


And most recently, PrinceEsquire found an organization that is looking for male mentors for at-risk high school students.  I would love to do it but I think it just happen at the wrong time.....but I will sleep on it and maybe get up and go to the orientation in the morning anyway.


Lastly as my bed is SCREAMING for me at this insane hour of the morning.  Last night over dinner, THEBoyfriend and I were talking about plans for the holidays, and in short he wants to go to Las Vegas...with his best friend and her girlfriend, to bring in the new year.  That's the last place I want to spend New Year's.  He wants to go so he can dance in the club(s).....(since he doesn't go to clubs often) where in the past he said he has danced til nearly daybreak.  I would be bored with the club by 1AM, and that's assuming that I got there at like 10:30-11pm.  He doesn't drink so he isn't going to be excited by the idea of walking The Strip with a cocktail in hand which is why most people go to vegas for New Year's Eve......while I will have one or two myself with the rest of the crowd.  Truth is I am much more of a laid back kind of fella and would be more apt to going to a friend's or having a few friends over to the house in order to eat, drink, laugh and other elements of merriment to bring in the new year.  And the first thing he said he DID NOT want to do was be stuck in the house.  Through further conversation he basically said that "sitting around the house drinking and talking" isn't his idea of fun....if not down right boring.  And HE wants to have fun.  SO what am I to do??????  Do I waste more money I should not be spending to help pay for gas to drive there, a hotel room for a couple nights and all the rest that goes with going out of town.....just to appease him?  I told him that I made a promise to myself to cut out "fun" trips as a means of making buying a house a priority.....he seemed unfazed and unmoved my that.  I don't know if he just didn't know what to say to that or if he just didn't care because it isn't really his concern.  Yes I know a couple people in Las Vegas...who if they are in town could be a lifeline for me.  Or I could invite other folks to meet up in Vegas. The other option would be to go someplace other than Vegas.....I am open to suggestions....(secretly I am missing NYC, but as I said I have suspended pleasure trips otherwise I would already have a flight booked on Virgin America to JFK.)  However if part of my issue with Vegas is spending money (which honestly it is)....any other trip will probably be more expensive....particularly with less than 21 day advance notice.

Not to mention that if I use money as a reason for not going...I'll either seem like a cheap ass or a selfish bastard.  Either of which I'm sure can be construed as the makings of a bad boyfriend, right?

HELP!

Sincerely,
Pharoah

With My Own Eyes.........

Self,

Speaking of the things I've seen on the train.  Right after writing my last post, I had to ride the train home.  On one leg of my journey I had saw the fashionably distinct Gucci logo pattern.....you know

                            GC       GC         GC
                          /       \    /      \      /       \
                      GC       GC        GC       GC
                          \      /     \       /      \       /
                           GC         GC         GC

That was TATTOOED on some guy's FACE!


I was DONE!

Sincerely,
Pharoah