What is a Horny Toad Suppose to do?

Self,

So I've been chatting with different guys on websites.....just chatting.

I come across this one guy who lives like FIVE minutes away.  He's 27 and supposedly never been with a man.....sexually, romantically and dare I say even intimately.  He's of  the mind to change that....and he wants to change that with me?

Why?????   I don't know what to do.  I mean he is SOOO "green" I've practically taken to calling him Similac....which is what I'll use as his name here.

Most of our conversations were very generic.  So via text messaging he decides he wants to probe and wants to know if he can ask a personal question, I tell him my general rule...he can ask anything he is willing to answer himself.  Which opened a small flood gate.

Similac: "Do you like to kiss?...truefully idk. depends on the person"
Pharoah: "depends...everyone isn't a good kisser."
Similiac: "Do you give head or like to receive? Me truthfully I wanna give head and try lickin balls"
Pharoah: "Boy i give/receive head, lick/suck balls - like when it done to me, like when my a$$ is eaten - sometimes will eat a$$. I don't want to sound like an asshole, but you must not realize that you are talking to a man who has been comfortably gay for almost 20 years....lol n my day I would run circles around you....you ain't ready for me....and I don't think you can handle it."
Similac: "Lol...what you mean by run circles"
Pharoah: "Meaning...it would b an experience that would make our head spin...maybe even make u addicted."
Similac: "Damm I like the sound of that man and I'm ready for what ever. I can take whatever comes"
Pharoah: "You say that....but I don't think you are...I mean you've said that you've fantasized about just kissing and cuddling a guy..... when I was your age my fantasies consisted of 3sums and orgies.....you ain't ready [for me.]"
Similac: "I'm ready  trust me"
Pharaoh: "lol no u not...cuz afterwards you would b n love...and that should happen with someone @ your level."
Similac: "I doubt if you that good man lol....but I know what I want tho"
Pharoah: "what is it that you know you want and think you are ready for?"
Similac: "Im ready for some good ass dick I want sum good sex/ sum good love makin."
(To myself "If you equating "good sex" to "good love makin" then I really don't have to be THAT good, the act alone will make me so.")

 Hindsight being 20/20 I realize my attempt to let him know he was getting in over his head, actually only present him with a quest he want to prove of which he is worthy. 

So here's the problem...I'm not attracted to him.   He's a nice enough kid that I don't want his first time to be with a jerkwad-asshole that creates an experience that leaves him jaded and bitter.  At the same time....there is some appeal to being "the first" and exploring undiscovered country...in so much that hopefully his lack of expereince would mean he won't have any "hang-ups" and be willing to try any and 'erything and that could be fun.

A LITTLE HELP HERE, PLEASE?  Am I wrong for even considering to do this?

Sincerely,
Pharoah

PS I've also crossed paths with a cutie in Boston that seems he might also want me as a friendly cherry-popper, thankfully he doesn't seem as "green" as Similac.

Running Across my Mind.

Self,

OKAY.....recently I've started to miss him a little.


Sincerely,
Pharoah

I Need to Start a Pettition....

Self,

So I've been working graveyard shift again.  I don't know about other parts of the country but gas prices has rose to almost $5 a gallon here in Los Angeles....and Thunderbolt as a gas guzzling SUV has been hard on the wallet so while workign graveyard I've taken to riding public transportation....with the hopes of continuing to do so when I go back on day shift.

Now that the background has been put in place, I can tell tonight's story.

I raced to the "subway" (it's actually above ground) station to catch the 9pm train to Downtown LA.  I swipe my TAP card and walk up the platform's ramp.  There's not many people on the platform, but there's four people near where I like to wait for the train.  There's a guy with his bike standing  off to himself with earbuds. Not more than four steps passed him there's three youngsters sitting on the bench, two guys and  one girl but the girl is actually sitting in one guy's lap.....which made it look like it was only two people sitting on the bench until you got close enough. No big deal, I've seen similar scenes before.

I stop about five feet away from the trio to wait for the train as I adjust my jacket.

"Hey, are you a registered voter?" asks the guy with the lap that's empty except for a clipboard.

I hesitate to respond...not really wanting to be bother. "Yeah, I am."

"Would you like to sign this pettition?" The kid holds up the clipboard towards me from where he is sitting.

I instantly regret having identified myself as a registered voter, but I move on.  "Well, what is it for?"

"It's for [mumble, mumble - blah blah blah,]" he says still holding the clipboard out to me.

Okay so sometimes I am hard of hearing So I don't know if he was really inarticulate with what he was saying or if I just was having a deaf moment, so I don't really know the point of the pettition.  I figure I'd save us both a headache, "Naw, man I'm not interested."

The kid flips a page on his clipboard then says, "Well, what about this one that decrease taxes for eduaction?"

Damn.  I was I should've known there was another one.  Lower taxes and promoting education....I ought to help.  After a couple seconds of indecisiveness I ask, "what you say that one is about again?"

I guess we both were having issues with this exchance because the kid looks down at the paper with a slightly confused expression on his face.  A split second later the confusion is gone and replaced with annoyance ashe stands up and walks over to me. "It's to reduce taxes for education."

As he hands me the clipboard I am also hit with the pungent odor of weed.  I'm not a fan of the stuff but to each his own.  I look up and there's a train starting to pull into the station.  I guess the kid sees something in my face as I notice the train to cause him some concern of not getting my signature.  "Yo, your train is coming."  Maybe he thought that pointing out the train would push me to sign withtout reading the pettition, so I wouldn't miss it.

I see the distance train is and estimate how much time I had before it would leave again.  I figured I could skim the summary and scribble my name even if that meant doing so while hanging out the train doors for a second or two to finish.  So I look down at the pettition and see a block of text.  I look for the beginning of the paragraph to read as much as I could in the time I had left.  The first line read:

Increases personal taxes......

I was disappointed and didn't want to read anymore, "Ah man it says it Increases taxes....I'm good, but thanks." I hand him back the pettition.  The kid looks at me like he's upset that I could read and saw the error of what he had told me.  I look away and look to see how much longer before the train stops, only to see that the sign on the train says it is out of service.  The train continues without stopping.  The kid walks away and sits back on the bench with his friends.

I take a few steps to the other side of the platform. As I'm sending Schehimazade a text about a kid wanting my signature for a pettition but was too high to explain what the pettition is for, the kid gets up while his friends get on the train going in the opposite direction....the last text I send Schehimazade;

...he has a nice ass too...lol he might have got the signature if he wasn't sitting on it when he first asked me.

Yeah I know, I'm a journey like no other.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

As I'm exchanging texts with Schehimazade, a train going in the opposite direction arrives and the

Ehh, ahhh, ick

Self,

I don't know where to start..............

So the last few days I have been feeling  rather "blah."  Honestly, I think it more accurate to say that I have been feeling that my life has no meaning.

NO - I AM NOT SUICIDAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As drab/mediocre/pathetic and any other adjectives that could be inserted there that I may think my life is right now...I still prefer living than being dead, so again  I AM NOT SUICIDAL!

However I don't know what I need to or can do to feel as if my life has more meaning.

And as I been grappling and stewing with these feelings, I saw something on Yahoo today that didn't help me to feel any better.

There's an article about the newest elected mayor of Ithaca, New York.   He's kinda handsome, I think he might be gay, but it didn't say. He was featured because - He's only 24!  He's the youngest mayor that town has ever had.  I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't one of the youngest mayors anywhere currently.  He's a graduate of Cornell (I think.)  He had a tough childhood due to drug addict father, bi-racial background, periods of homelessness.   I mean talk about being someone to make an impact.  Hearing about this guy makes me feel like I'm just taking up space.

Again, I'm not suicidal
............................................................................................................but damn!

Sincerely,
Pharoah

A SMASHing Disaster!

Self,
So I got hooked into watching the new NBC series "SMASH" and honestly I thought it was going pretty well and I liked it.  So I couldnt wait to see Monday's episode.  Not only was I watching just for the sake of watching a show I enjoy, but I had gotten a text from a friend that he may be in one of the scenes as an extra in one of the dance numbers.  Great...I did see my friend and I'm happy for him getting that paycheck! (I'm still waiting on the GAZILLION dollars you owe me for the years of support.) LOL.

That said....I think I'm done watching the show. It looks like it's about to take a turn for the worst. It seems like the writers of the show are going to morph the token ethnic character, Ellis, played by Jaime Cepero) from the sweet innocent-like kid into the character that the show's audience is suppose to hate the most. In Monday night's episode, Ellis stole a notebook from Julia, Debra Messing's character, lied about it to cover his tracks.  After eavesdropping, Ellis is now potentially in a position to blackmail Julia. 

And on top of all that they also now may intend to possibly paint Ellis as being "on the Down Low." Ellis was introduced as possibly being homosexual who may have a crush on Tom who he works for as a personal assistant.  In Monday's episode, Ellis in a bedroom scene scantily clad with the first African-american female character who is also scantily clad, kissing. 

REALLY???

Ok.  I guess this show is meant to be structured like a soap opera, so there is bound to be some shady dirty shenanigans.  Stunts like Milty's character, Ivy Lynn, sleeping with the the play's director, Derek, JUST before she is cast in the role of Marilyn Monroe in the play. However they are leaving her a way out to still be the "good girl" (and liked/loved by the TV viewing audiance) by making it seem that she might actually have feelings for the director and not just a cold calculating woman who will do whatever it takes to get the role she wants. This character stands in opposition to Katharine McPhee's character who REFUSED to sleep with the director out of moral and proffesional ethics.  Ok So they are both appear to be of European descent thus giving the television viewing audiance the balance of the Slut versus the Saint.   However that same balance isn't offered to the viewing audiance in regards to the ethnic character...because basically there is only one which they may have just corrupted!  I don't know if the girl the Ellis was in bed with will be a recurring character but they introduced her as corrupt as well because it was kind of based on her suggestion that Ellis decided to steal the notebook.

 

No one else may have a problem with this but to the writers/producers/casting crew of SMASH I'd like to say, if you are going to criminalize an your token ethnic in a show, you should first make sure you also establish other ethnic characters as upright standing citizens.  The show may get one more episode out of me to see if they redeem themselves...if not I won't watch anymore.


Sincerely,

Pharoah

PS isn't Cepero picture here kinda sexy?

Heartbreaking.

Self,

I recently saw the movie, "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close."

I really have no words for this movie.... but, the boy needs an Oscar!

There were scenes where I was completely weeping for this kid.  I mean there were moment when I sat there holding my breath as tears rolled down my face.  I had to fight to keep from sobbing, moaning, and wailing.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

And the Dragon ate Cake.

Self,
Happy New Year.....again....lol twice over!

As I've expressed before, I unofficially use my birthday as a means to mark the passing of years.  Mostly remind myself that every age I obtain is a blessing in itself because not everyone gets to see that age.  This year I turned 35.  So Happy Birthday to me and Happy New Year!  I didn't really do much for my actual birthday. I took the day off from work which gave me the chance to sleep-in and spend most of the day lounging on the sofa in front of the television.

Along with all the wonderful birthday wishes that I received through out the day, my brother's girlfriend was thoughtful enough to have baked a cake for me on my birthday.  Overall it was a good day.

So the other Happy New Year is corresponds to Chinese New Year.....The year of the Dragon!  As it turns out I was also born in the year of the Dragon...and I was told that this should be a very eventful year for me.  Which may hold true if things go as I hope, I should buy a house this year, there's a couple discussion of trips on the table - one of which should be international, and who knows what else!

I'm sure it's common knowledge that the Chinese calendar is lunar based and the date of the new year changes due to the cycle of the moon.  Although I am not sure how often it occurs but I'm sure it only happens to a select few...but as best as I can tell...I'll actually celebrate my birthday twice this year!  The year of the Dragon started Jan 23 2012 (before my 35th bday) and will end like Feb 2 2013 (after my 36th bday.)  There has to be some sort of good omen to that, right???  I'll wait and see.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Done

Self,

Well THEBoyfriend and I have come to the end of the line.  I don't want to go in to the gruesome details, the short answer from my perspective is that we realized that although we want the samethings, we are on two different pages as to how and when to get there, and that's going ot put us at odds.  Suffice it to say that we agreed to remain friends.  However he has suggested that we talk more so we can see if we can get back together.  ....But I don't think that's what I want.


Sincerely,
Pharoah

It May Be The End of The Road

Self,

Things seem to be deteriorating between THEBoyfriend and I.  Tuesday, I finally sat with him to discuss my issue with the text he sent at Christmas.  He also had issues with me he wanted to address.  It became an extensive conversation and intense.

His issues with me are;

• that he doesn't feel that I'm really into him,
• that maybe we really aren't compatible,
• that maybe we aren't on the same page in regards to what we want,
• that I'm in the relationship out of fear of being alone,
• that maybe I'm not really attracted to him because I have looked at other men while in public,
• that our level of comunication isn't at the level he wants and feel it should be, 
• that he feels he's being taken advantage of financially because he does a lot of driving when we're together and that I haven't been sensative/observant enough to help replenish/buy groceries or cook when we are together,
• that he was hurt when I had just told him that I questioned his actions regarding the Christmas text as possibly being malicious since he feels I should know better,

Well suffice it to say that I was overwhelmed by that list and told him so.  I also told him that I needed some time to process every thing we discussed and that we should table the conversation until later, particularly since I had to go to my other office which he already had prior knowledge.  We left the restaurnt where we didn't eat.

About 23 hours later I had a missed call and a voice mail and a text from him saying he hadn't heard from me that day and wanted to see where my head was at regarding our conversation and if we could continue it.  I explained that my head was basically in the same place because as he knew when I suggested that we pause the conversation, I had to go to my other office and was busy there. After I left the office I came home and went ot bed because I was tired (drained,)  I like him, have been busy at work all day, and when I got back home I was busy doing those domestic things that many people do on weekends that I don't get to do because I'm not home on the weekends.  We have some basic conversation and then I tell him I need to go on the grounds that I still have things to finish before I can go to sleep.  He hangs up....I text him "Good Night" since all he say was "ok" before disconnecting.

This morning I sent a text just saying hello.  I also sent a text asking a question to try and open up some dialogue between us.  His first response was that he felt that it should be discussed in person or on the phone not via text.  I thought about and felt that was a reasonable idea and texted back , "ok."  He basically then started spitting venom by turning my words from another conversation back on me stating that he assumes I am just as dissatisfied with that answer as he was when I first gave it to him.  Well honestly, I don't think I would have be dissatisfied with that answer, if those were his honest feelings as they were for me when I told him. I was more shocked that he was saying it out of spite. However he claims it's unfathomable for him to be malicious.  He admitted that he's hurting and emotional and won't make any apologies for it.  I responded that when I initially spoke those words to him that I was being honest in the moment, and that I'm sorry my answer wasn't good enough for him at that time.

What all this is starting to reveal to me that he might be right, maybe we really aren't compatible and that maybe I was just trying ot make us out to be.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

What Does It Mean.....?

Self,

So Christmas has come and went....there were a few gifts under the tree for me.   I have a few questions about some of the gifts people give, though.  Ok this didn't happen this year, but I had someone give me a used CD (as in cracked case and all)  The person took the time to wrap it with a bow and my name on a sticker.  The person that says "maybe they were low on funds"... could get shot.  Because as far as im concerned the person didn't have to give a gift if you are struggling financially....no I'm not so materialistic that I only accept new items in fact its the opposite....I don't always have to get a gift.  I'll be OKAY!

The person that says, "well maybe the person thought you would like the artist"....could get cut, because even if that is true....he could have just gave me the CD....without it being a Christmas present.  Just say "hey, [Pharoah] here's a cd I didn't like, but I thought you might,"....and save the wrapping and "fanfare."

I don't know....it just strikes me as odd.

Ok speaking of odd....this year I noticed something.....almost every year my mom gives us a manicure set.   I mean my dad's feet and toenails are ghastly.....broke toes, bunyons....eww  But why does she give me and my brother matching sets too?  Is she trying to warn us about what are feet will look like when we get to be 60?  Or is she hinting that we are sporting claws of our own?  Of course the problem i can't ask her cause it would probably come off as being ungrateful....but it makes me go, ....hmm.


Last thing....I been saying I want a Kindle....I thought THEBoyfriend would have picked up on it and got me one....but he didn't and went a different route.....clothes (with shoes) and a bracelet.   So now I'm looking to get the Kindle for myself.  I've been thinking that I would get teh Kindle Touch...since it's only $99.  I have a Best Buy gift card that will cover most of the price and will have to put a little more to get it out the store ....legally.   However the this morning I learned that I can use my AmEx reward points on Amazon.com and I have enough point to almost cover the cost of the new Kindle Fire.   But I don't know if it would be worth it.  I mean the K-Fire is more like a pc tablet than an ereader like the original Kindle and K-Touch.  So I can store not only books/magazines but also music and movies as well.  What makes me hesitate is that its new....have they really worked out all the kinks....and will they be making a Fire 2 in 6 months to a year...like Apple does to correct the kinks they didnt fix in their rush to get it on the market for the holidays.

If anyone has either the K-Touch or K-Fire...please let me know what you think.


Sincerely,
Pharoah