Dark Days in the Kingdom

Self,

I didn't realize it has been so long since I wrote anything here.  Sadly, I can't totally say that it was just an oversight on my part.  I have been avoiding posting anything on here for a while....because I felt that I was complaining or whining and being negative.  So I been waiting to be able to come from a more positive place....and I guess I just haven't been in that place until now.

This past weekend at the urging of my cousin, the royal family went to Arizona contengent.  Overall, it was a good visit.  It was great to see them! Plenty of food and merriment! I mean it was the first time we were all under one roof, in a long time and definitely the case for 2013.  When I say "we," I mean the WHOLE family! The attending royals were:  Pharoah, the royal parents and brother; my cousin, her husband and sons, my mom's older sister, my mom's younger brother; their youngest brother, his wife and two kids; and my grandmother.

I mentioned my grandmother last because she was the reason for the event.  My cousin thought it would be good for my grandma to see us all together.  The part that has me with a heavy heart is that my cousin suggested this because it seems my grandmother is beginning to suffer from the onset of dementia.  I don't know if she is aware of it.  My aunt and cousin relayed stories to us of my grandma mental loss. Like her laying in bed saying mama (her grandmother) told her she had to get up to go to school. (Like she was 8-9). Or the funny one of how my grandma was going to take a relative of my cousin's husband back to her home to work on the farm and she needed new sheets for the bed becasue they were going to be sleeping together (the afore mentioned relative is 30 and could be one of her grandchildren, the house she talking about has been demolished.)  I watched as my grandma started a conversation, engage in the details of it and finish it. Then not even a full five minutes restart the conversation exactly as she did the first time...as if she didn't just have it.

The hardest moment for me, was a night my grandma woke up at like 3am calling out for someone, I go to check on her and she says she don't know where my grandfather is, he's not in bed, she's not sure if he went to the bathroom or fell on the other side of of the bed.  (My grandfather died two years ago.)

So yeah, I'm not feeling totally positive and up beat.
Sincerely,
Pharoah

The Birthday Blues

Self,

This is not how I want to start off the "new year,"  But I heard somewhere that through pain comes growth, so maybe this is just a growing season for me. 

So I literally brought in my birthday alone at the beach in the rain (well it had rained earlier and still drizzled a bit)...feelin down about a the discontiued association of a romantic interest. And although I still think about this individual....even though I know I shouldn't, the sound of the waves did seem to lick my wounds and sooth my heart some.  Maybe I have to make a few more trips to finish the process or even take the longer drive to my favorite beach for a more intense healing session.  The rest of my birthday went well. A new dear friend took me to a special bakery in Manhattan Beach for a slice of cake....that was well appreciated particularly since I am doing a detox clense/diet which requires the elimination of sugar and dairy.  Then later that night I was treated to dinner with my parents and brother.

As part of the birthday celebration friends had arranged for us to go to a cigar lounge in Beverly Hills and then a rum bar.  There wasn't many of us at the lounge but it was good to sit and chill with the fellas with the aroma of a good cigar lingering overhead.  The plan was to meet the ladies at the bar but a couple of the fellas did not dress appropriately to be admitted to the bar so we ended up going to a diner down the street having some food and drinks.  GOOD TIMES!  It was good to be surrounded by laughs, love and joyful faces.

Although the break-up darkened my horizons occasionaly, that wasn't my biggest frustration about my birthday.  I appreciate ALL the birthday wishes I recieved. In fact I am even more grateful for them because of the disappointment of there being two friends I was expecting to get atleast a text from as a bday greeting and didn't.  I totally understand the power of recognition....and it kind sting to not be acknowledge on YOUR day, and I will do my best to make sure I acknowledge others birthdays.  One of the two I still haven't heard from...and haven't in weeks, but we have been hit and miss for a while.  I hope he is well.  The other I got a call from him 3 days after my birthday as I was driving to my bookclub meeting...(I'll always overlook tardiness...and I had figured it was like him to be late with it.)  However the conversation was about him wanting me to find and read some comments on Facebook when I got a chance, so we he can ask my opinion about something related to those comments.  I won't dwell on it nor will I hold a grudge...it's just what it is.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Madness...Yours or Mine?

Self,

Not too long ago I was contacted by someone who decided a while back that I wasn't worthy of being his friend.    This wasn't the first time this has happened.  In fact over the years since he and I first met I want to say it has happened about 4 or 5 times. 

Now granted  it's not that simple, we were sexually involved off and on durring some of that time and he admitted to being in love with me...despite it not being exactly reciprocated. (Meaning - yes I loved him and our friendship...but I was not in love with him.)  He as some other emotional/mental issues...which places him in a space of instability.

The last time he reached out to rekindle our friendship I told him that it was the last time.  If I mean anything to him as a friend then there's no reason to dismiss me as such and if there was a reason to do so then it it will probably be severe enough to make it a decision that's irrevocable....cause the friendship either has to matter enough to figure out and work through whatever is the issue or its doesn't matter at all and there's no need to bother again.

So when he sent a long series of text messages to end the friendship...I was like "cool...I'm done."  And for the most part I have not thought of him until he recently sent me a text saying "What's up, [Pharoah]?"

Well I was a tad annoyed by the intrusion in my life after several months, but it also felt good to know that in that moment whatever reasons he thought he had from ending the friendship were bullsh*t (which I already knew) because here he was reaching out and I knew he would be the first to do so.

I was in the mind to ignore his text and not respond...and Schehimazade said I should ignore it.  However, I did respond and in my annoyed state of mind my text was; "Is someone ill, dying or deceased?"  I know...that was mean.  My thought was that he would probably say say "no" and THEN I would just not respond any further.

Of course it didn't go that way, his response was "yeah me." 

I didn't want to be heartless if he was serious and not respond, but I also know he has a flare for the dramatics. So I sent, "so you are texting from the grave?"

There were a couple more exchanges, he didn't say what he meant by that and just said good night a let it go.

That was almost two months ago now.  I know I can't allow myself to be involved with the insanity of his life.  I am sightly concerned, but for me to expose myself any more would be insane on my part, right?

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Christmas

Self,

Well it is the day after Christmas, and i had a good day...although I kind of wish that I took the day off nd stayed home in bed today!

I had a good day yesterday.  Nothing extravagant.  After hanging out with two different groups of friends on Christmas Eve til 2am, I was awakened by my mom to join the family to exchange gifts at 10am.  I got cologne from my brother, an Amazon gift card from his girlfriend.  From my parents, the all time favorite - money, house slippers, lottery scratcher, gas card. From friends I received  a bottle of homemade coquito (sp) which is like a Puerto Rican egg nog, a set of kitchen towels from William-Sonoma, and a new (dating) friend gave me a a short-sleeved button-up shirt.

I hung out with the new friend and some of his peeps for a bit which included a viewing of the "Django" film.

Like I said, Nothing extravagant, but I enjoyed every minute of it!

Sincerely
Pharoah

FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT....

Self,

I know I have been a way for a while...its not because I've lost love for the loyal subjects of the realm...although maybe my subjects have lost love for me...Please say it ain't so!

I have to have and hopefully y'all can give me some insight to this question.  Where and how do people get that competative nature?  I am finding that to some degree I don't really have one.  To some degree I haven't needed one and not having one has still been.....useful.  However I think I'm now at a point where the lack thereof is not serving me....and I have to figure out how to fix that.

I mean to me it come from one of two places...

1 jealousy - in so much as "keeping up with the Jones" and since Timmy is wearing Prada and have a brand new Honda, I have to go get the same.  I can't remember a time where I ever felt that way....ok maybe back in the day with Cross Colors...

2 inferiority/superiority complex - in so much as since Timmy has a new Honda, I have to go get a new Lexus, because I am so much better than he is.  I'm a firm believer that we are different and you do what you do and have what you have while I do what I do and got what I got....Some things may be the same...some won't.

Ultimately competition means allowing oneself to be judged by others.  I guess my lack of a competative spirit comes from not wanting to be judged.  We all know that a person's judgement is 90% subjective and relative to the person doing the judging and have little to nothing to do with the abilities of the person being judged.  I mean is Simon Cowle such a fantastic singer/vocalist himself to say who is and isn't talented???  And yet he sat as a judge for several seasons on that show.  Hell look at just about any type of election from middle school student body president to the presidency of the United States, it ultimately boils down to a popularity contest of who is more likeable...and that simply is determined by those voting/judging.  (I'm happy that it was decided that Obama was more likeable than Romney....but the winner was chosened by us voting citizens who dicided which canidate we'd liked the most to lead the country and carry the responsibilities of doing so.)

I don't know what to do for my own situation.  There's a competition...and I want the prize...but not sure I want to put myself in a position to be deemed unworthy of the prize.   I know there isn't a way to insure the fact the I will win the prize, but I'm open to finding or figuring out any advantages that I can use to help me win.  I'm open to suggestions.

Sincerely,

Pharoah

Call Me Christopher Columbus

Self,

It's no secret....I love "discovering" new music. 

When I heard this the other day I went right home and bought it before racing to catch a flight. 

Check it out!
Artist:  Jill Barber
Song:  Oh My My





Ok , no she is not this amazing vocalist, where he voice is just blowing you away.  However what I am loving about the track is the richness and layered texture of the music that combined with her voice is giving something different.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

A Wing, A Prayer... & A VOTE DAMMIT!

Self,

It's the last 10 minutes of the eve of the 2012 Presidential Election.  I voted by mail because I didn't think my schedule would incorporate going to the polls.  Now however I am actually working graveyard again and I probably would have been able to go vote but my ballot has been casted. With my ballot I hope the people of These United States re-elect President Barack Obama.





Sincerely,
Pharoah

Getting Lost....And Found

Self,

Not to long ago I stopped and visited my Aunt Kwe-Kwe...or is it Cray-Cray...lol anyway.  Along with all the other things that goes with our visits, she shared some new music with me....there's three CDs but I'm only discussing one in this entry. 

This is for those jazz heads!

The CD:  The Mosaic Project
The Artist:   Terri Lynn Carrington (you may remember her as the drummer and musical director for the band on the Arsenio Hall Show in the '90s.)
The Track:  "I Got Lost in His Arms"

I am not ashamed to say that I have been rocking the hell out of this song!  I love it!  It has a funky groove, the horns are on FI-YAH.    Below is a Youtube clip giving you a sample of it.




HOT, Right,?!?!?  I'm not done.   As hot as the arrangement is, I think what hits home the most for me are the lyrics;

I got lost in his arms

And I had to stay;

It was dark in his arms

And I lost my way.

From the dark came a voice

And it seemed to say,

There you go,

There you go.

How I felt as I fell

I just can't recall.

But his arms held me fast

And it broke the fall.

And I said to my heart,

As it foolishly kept jumping

All around,

I got lost,

But look what I've found.

These words are communing to a part of me.  The more I listen to the song....which is almost constantly riding around in Thunderbolt, the more I realize...That's something I want.  I want to get lost in someone's arms and be astonished at the fact that I am also holding on to a treasure....I don't mean a trophy, but something to truely cherish. 

On top of that.....I want that feeling for everybody!  Of course I am more confident that it will happen for others than myself...and I will always be that cheerleader to push folks towards it when I think I see it....but alas for me I just don't know.  However I am in a ongoing discussion with DaBlackHobbit about faith and fear and I'm choosing to have faith....and take actions regardless of the results....that's always the hard part.....for all of us....everyone is always affraid of being hurt/dissappointed/let down AGAIN, that the fear of it causes paralysis.

I would like to think that it will happen...for me, my friends and everyone else, it just takes time and patience.  But atleast its progress from the days when my heart communed with "Good Morning Heartache" and "This Bitter Earth"......OK...both songs can still stop me in my tracks and nearly bring tear to my eyes, but hey there's still some growth there dammit! LOL.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Strap It Up and Strap It On!?

Self,

So I don't know what I'm doing that is attracting this...array of people.

Last night on one of those social media phone apps....I got hit up by a WOMAN...no I don't mean a fem gay man....I mean a W-O-M-A-N who wants to meet a man that would be willing to let her F*ck him using a strap on dildo.

I don't know what made her think I would be open to it.  When she asked me about rather I would be open to it...because the conversation started with the game backgammon, I told her I didn't know cause I never thought about it.  I asked her why don't she do it with a nother woman...and she said he not attracted to women that way....go figure.

I feel like I am sending out a "bat-signal" into the universe that reads something like the plaque on the statue of liberty...."send me your inexperienced, horny, freaky huddled masses...."

I have had a number of virgins approach me ...some wanting me to be their first.  Did I mention the kid that asked if I knew any other tops/vers guys...and if I could host a group? 

Man, if I were to ever let my internal sex beast cut loose....I would either shrivel up from all the semen I would have to produce to keep up....or would simply drown from it!

Sincerely,

Pharoah

PS...Dammit when I put it that way....it's kinda a turn on!  That is cutting the beast loose, not the strap on.

A Good Day

Self,

So yesterday was a good day!

It started out with a go-see.....that neither of us wanted to end.

We meet at 11am at The Grove outdoor shopping center.  We went to one of the restaurants there and had brunch....and talked.  When we finished eating we walked around a bit visiting a few of the stores there, one of which was the Apple store.  He then suggested that we leave and go a few blocks of the street to a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf to sit and talk some more.  After about another 2 hours of talking he wanted me to ride with him a few blocks to the Beverly Center mall so he could check for something at the Apple store in that mall.  We walked and talked as we meandered through the mall and then finally he took me back to my car where we then made plans to see each other later in the week and went our seperate ways.

I had a good time, he seems like a good dude.  What I'm not sure how I to deal with is his age...he just turned 49...granted the body and all doesn't look over 35-36....I know it probably seems small...but it still.......puzzle me if we get to a point where we are talking long-term situations. 

However I guess I shouldn't put the cart before the house, and just wait and see.

Pharoah