History Repeats Itself

Self,

Something is at work here....good or bad I can't say....it feels bad though.

I just happen to be reviewing some past entries here and I came across "It's Just Me...Nobody Else" dated 8-17-12.

And dammit if I'm not in the exact same predicament...and it hasn't even been a fuckin' year!  And things are actually a bit worse.

I did manage to recover from having to spend $1200 to get Thunderbolt fixed,  I've even managed to to pay off all of my credit cards (except about $500 that I planned to clear up by the end of May, but now will have to extend a bit longer.)  I mentioned that I made plans to go see BabyBro...it wasn't cheap but I felt it was neccesary and I'm so glad I did, it was GREAT to see him and give him a big ole hug!
And if things could have been left there, I would consider myself blessed and highly favored for the moment.

However just a week after returning from visiting BabyBro, I had to hand over some money again on Thunderbolt's behalf....this time to a tune three times higher than what I spent in August.  So reading the post from August makes me want to cry because it just literally verifies that I've just been knocked 3 steps back.

Yes, I know that I need to be positive and thankful that I have the means to resolve/absorbs those cost....and although I'm grumbling about it, I am thankful.  But damn it's hard to be thankful for minor blessing in the face of big disasters.....and that only makes me frightened to know that things could still be even worse.  I mean I know that life is about taking the good with the bad and vice versa and therefore things can't ever be perfect...but it would be great to be able to float in the good for a bit before being drowned in the bad.


Sincerely,
Pharoah

PS The positive thing I'm going to take from this is that for the most part I shouldn't keep myself from doing the things that bring me a bit of joy. There's no point being miserable while trying to get ahead.

If Not With My Eyes....

Self,
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!  (Since I technically don't have any nieces or nephews I can say that without being insulting...for now.)

I don't know if I would have believed that a NBA player has announced that he is gay, if I had not stubbled upon the artical with my very own eyes!

Jason Collins of the Washington Wizards steps up as the first American sports professional anouncing that he's gay in Sports Illustrated May 6th issue. 

Of course the story is available online presently.

Jason Collin's essay.

                                    

I remember that John Amechi also shared with the world that he is gay after he retired from the sport. So Collins is goin g down in history as the first active player to make such an announcement.

I wonder who will be the next???


Sincerely,

Pharoah

PS He's handsome and single...could you handle dating a NBA player???

While I Was Out

Self,

I am so super glad I had a chance to see BabyBro.  It was so good to see him and spend time with him.  We went out to eat a few times, caught a movie, went bowling, and even went to a spa where we each got a massage.  Of course the great part was just having a chance to connect and bond.  I went there for him but I think it did me as much good for me to see him as I hope it did him to see me. 

In addition to to seeing BabyBro, I also had the chance to see meet and hang out with a new friend.  We've been chatting/texting for about 6 months I believe. I also enjoyed spending some time with him.

While I was on this trip of course TBH and I was in touch. That said I think he has hexed me because now even if I'm out of town I can act a fool....not as much as him though. so this is a text conversation I had with him while I was visiting BabyBro.

Pharoah: So I was driving around the city, taking in the sights as I figured out where I was going....just minding my own business, right.

TBH: You have already started to lie..but continue.

Pharoah: In my wandering I saw this sign that I just couldn't believe. I instantly wished that you were here to have seen it....but alas you are not...so I figured I would make my way back to take a picture to send you.

Believe me it was just there on the side of the road...but I couldn't have wished for a better sign!

TBH: LOL!!!!!!!! Just fell out the bed laughing.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

See his foolishness is rubbing off on me.

Hot Cakes!

Self,

I literally just got off the phone with a pair of business partners in which the conversation was about me possibly making cakes for their restaurants in the Lancaster/Palmdale area (about an hour north of Los Angeles.)

This is in the very early stages of negotiations, particularly on my part, but atleast to start it sounds like I only have to make 2 cakes every other week...although I think it may actually be every week because I think they are under estimating how quickly they will go through a cake by the slice.

I know I have a lot of other stuff going on, but I am putting it out there that I want this to work...hell even just through the summer or the end of the year to start, then reevaluate.  So posting it here is my way of staking a claim on it in the universe.

Sincerely,
Pharoah

DATING: Single Player Vs Multiple Players

Self,

 I would like to hear what you all think.

As of present, I find that for me I am open to getting to know more than one person at a time in terms of dating prospects.

I was told, by one prospect, that it's not right to date more than one person at a time because it's unfair.  Of course he was using himself as an example. His theory is that if I'm seeing more than one person then I'm spreading myself thin. The crutch of his argument is that he can't spend as much time as possible with me getting to know me if some of my free time is spent out with other someone else.

Makes sense, right?

On the other hand, I think trying to be exclusive at this stage is unfair to me.  His schedule isn't always open and for the most part he is only available Friday and Saturdays since the rest of the week he is at home taking care of his 5 year old daughter.  I try to live a spontaneous lifestyle, so if on a Thursday I have the sudden urge to get out of the house, according to his theory of I'm only suppose to be getting to know him exclusively then I'm trapped having to sit at home looking at the four walls, because he is at home being a father.

Makes sense also, right?

Yes, I can see the obvious "compromise" being the idea of me going to his place on a Thursday evening, but in a way that is still being cooped up in a house.  Not to mention the possibility that we did that on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Well what are your thoughts?

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Get it Mamas

Self,

I found this on somebody's Facebook page and thought it was funny enough to share.




Funny Right?

Sincerely,
Pharoah

I think I've been Hexed

Self,

I am grateful for the ability to smile and laugh...and the friends that can make you do so!

So Thunderbolt has been running a fever and not been on his best behavior because of it. Due to Thunderbolt's illness I had to rely on other means of transportation to get to work this morning, mainly being my dad giving me a lift to the light railway station....which meant having to get up, get out, and on the platform by 5am. (I usually don't get up til 530, so this camper was not pleased.)

I made it to work and was setting at my dest when I texted my friend, The Black Hobbit (TBH).  When he asked how was I doing I responded "sleepy' because he already knew about my transportation ordeal from our convo from last night. 

This was his response:

Ok, do exactly what I tell you!!!! Since you are sleepy, you should go to your cubicle and say this prayer REALLY LOUD.  "Dear Jesus, thank you for granting me a good day today. You blessed me and gave me the strength not to harm my coworkers, especially the ones who are on the other side of my cubicle.  Thank yu for curing my coworkers stomach problems because if he had farted in the company car one more time, I would have vomitted all over him.  I'm graetful that you gave me this job and even though I'm smarter than most of these ignorant fuckers, you continue to sustain me in their presence. Watch over me while I sleep on my desk during company hours. In Jesus name, Amen."

I was in stiches from laughing because I couldn't laugh loudly.  I called him and told him how crazy he is.

About the same time I was looking at FB seeing the post from people I had missed over the last few days. I read one from a friend who posted that he was Engaged as an April Fool's gag.  I'm reading the comments and I get to the last one on the page from some girl who said he better invite her.  That's when out of the blue my fingers typed;

Yes invite me too...but I'm warn you when the ceremony gets to the part when they ask "if anyone objects to this union" I'm gonna shout " SSSSTTTTTTOOOOPPPPP!" and when every got over their shock and a silence has fallen over the room, I'll either whisper "I've always wanted to do that." or "That's just my baby daddy." LOL

Y'all I think TBH has hexed me to be a fool like him and it kicked in at that moment!  I feel so ashamed!   Beware of short black hobbits that are insane....they have magic.     Sincerely,  Pharoah   PS, I leave tonight to go see BabyBro tonight, I'm a bit excited to see him, it seems like it been forever...I hope he is too!

What About Your friends!

Self,

In theme of making sure that I try to be more positive in my postings here, I am going to start taking notice of all the things that I appreciate in my life.

Presently, I'm in a space where I am trying to create and build new connections/friendships. I guess intially because I was frustrated with some of the ones I have....ie looking for what I felt was lacking.  For the most part my biggest gripe is that sometimes I feel that we don't engage and hangout with each other as often as I would like.  Yes we all have crazy busy schedules so nobody is to blame. However often I would like to have a group of friends where we don't have to ask "are we going to hangout this weekend," but rather just "what are we doing this weekend."  I know it seems kinda small but hey it's how I feel.  Don't get me wrong when I do get together with my friends I have a great time, so I'm not complaining. 

I do accept and acknowledge my role in this too. I mean as I said I do have a crazy schedule, often when I am hit up to hang out....I might usually already have something in motion. I also know that I can/should make more efforts to be the "initiator/invitor" to promt more outings, but because I know folks also have busy lives I don't want to feel like I'm intruding, so I don't reach out as often.

Anyway, as I am on this "quest" I have been chatting and meeting other guys.  Last night I went out with a guy it was our third time hanging out.  I am gratful for this outing because it gave me the chance to realize....that things may not be as bad as I might think. 

This dude practically swears he has no friends. He says that when his last realtionship ended about five years ago....his ex won all their friends in the "divorce" because for the most part they were the Ex's friends to start. 

Now me and this guy met on one of the gay social apps.  He says he has a hard time meeting other guys on the apps because they are either out of state, or tend to only be looking for sex while he'd rather get to know someone.  What I'm noticing about him is that he kind of expects to "craft" how these new connections should be made, rather than just "go with the flow."  He seems to be impatient which then can make him come off as pushy and needy.  Unfortunately, I think it all stems from him being lonely.  Which makes me grateful that when I do feel lonely, I atleast know I do have friends I can call and bug for a bit!

Sincerely,
Pharoah

Dark Days in the Kingdom

Self,

I didn't realize it has been so long since I wrote anything here.  Sadly, I can't totally say that it was just an oversight on my part.  I have been avoiding posting anything on here for a while....because I felt that I was complaining or whining and being negative.  So I been waiting to be able to come from a more positive place....and I guess I just haven't been in that place until now.

This past weekend at the urging of my cousin, the royal family went to Arizona contengent.  Overall, it was a good visit.  It was great to see them! Plenty of food and merriment! I mean it was the first time we were all under one roof, in a long time and definitely the case for 2013.  When I say "we," I mean the WHOLE family! The attending royals were:  Pharoah, the royal parents and brother; my cousin, her husband and sons, my mom's older sister, my mom's younger brother; their youngest brother, his wife and two kids; and my grandmother.

I mentioned my grandmother last because she was the reason for the event.  My cousin thought it would be good for my grandma to see us all together.  The part that has me with a heavy heart is that my cousin suggested this because it seems my grandmother is beginning to suffer from the onset of dementia.  I don't know if she is aware of it.  My aunt and cousin relayed stories to us of my grandma mental loss. Like her laying in bed saying mama (her grandmother) told her she had to get up to go to school. (Like she was 8-9). Or the funny one of how my grandma was going to take a relative of my cousin's husband back to her home to work on the farm and she needed new sheets for the bed becasue they were going to be sleeping together (the afore mentioned relative is 30 and could be one of her grandchildren, the house she talking about has been demolished.)  I watched as my grandma started a conversation, engage in the details of it and finish it. Then not even a full five minutes restart the conversation exactly as she did the first time...as if she didn't just have it.

The hardest moment for me, was a night my grandma woke up at like 3am calling out for someone, I go to check on her and she says she don't know where my grandfather is, he's not in bed, she's not sure if he went to the bathroom or fell on the other side of of the bed.  (My grandfather died two years ago.)

So yeah, I'm not feeling totally positive and up beat.
Sincerely,
Pharoah

The Birthday Blues

Self,

This is not how I want to start off the "new year,"  But I heard somewhere that through pain comes growth, so maybe this is just a growing season for me. 

So I literally brought in my birthday alone at the beach in the rain (well it had rained earlier and still drizzled a bit)...feelin down about a the discontiued association of a romantic interest. And although I still think about this individual....even though I know I shouldn't, the sound of the waves did seem to lick my wounds and sooth my heart some.  Maybe I have to make a few more trips to finish the process or even take the longer drive to my favorite beach for a more intense healing session.  The rest of my birthday went well. A new dear friend took me to a special bakery in Manhattan Beach for a slice of cake....that was well appreciated particularly since I am doing a detox clense/diet which requires the elimination of sugar and dairy.  Then later that night I was treated to dinner with my parents and brother.

As part of the birthday celebration friends had arranged for us to go to a cigar lounge in Beverly Hills and then a rum bar.  There wasn't many of us at the lounge but it was good to sit and chill with the fellas with the aroma of a good cigar lingering overhead.  The plan was to meet the ladies at the bar but a couple of the fellas did not dress appropriately to be admitted to the bar so we ended up going to a diner down the street having some food and drinks.  GOOD TIMES!  It was good to be surrounded by laughs, love and joyful faces.

Although the break-up darkened my horizons occasionaly, that wasn't my biggest frustration about my birthday.  I appreciate ALL the birthday wishes I recieved. In fact I am even more grateful for them because of the disappointment of there being two friends I was expecting to get atleast a text from as a bday greeting and didn't.  I totally understand the power of recognition....and it kind sting to not be acknowledge on YOUR day, and I will do my best to make sure I acknowledge others birthdays.  One of the two I still haven't heard from...and haven't in weeks, but we have been hit and miss for a while.  I hope he is well.  The other I got a call from him 3 days after my birthday as I was driving to my bookclub meeting...(I'll always overlook tardiness...and I had figured it was like him to be late with it.)  However the conversation was about him wanting me to find and read some comments on Facebook when I got a chance, so we he can ask my opinion about something related to those comments.  I won't dwell on it nor will I hold a grudge...it's just what it is.

Sincerely,
Pharoah